


A Force to be Reckoned With

by OwlSphinx



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, My First Fanfic, OFC - Freeform, Reader-Insert, Slow Burn, some smut later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-05
Updated: 2018-06-24
Packaged: 2019-03-14 01:41:46
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 25,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13583319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OwlSphinx/pseuds/OwlSphinx
Summary: Kylo Ren has recently turned from the dark side. He finds himself lost and feeling like he has nowhere to belong whilst facing the reality of the awful things he has done. Somehow you cannot help but feel deeply for him and try and ease his suffering in any way that you can.





	1. Rumours

Chapter 1 – Rumours

The base was alight with gossip. You were never one to pay much mind to it, but this subject of discussion interested even you. From the snippets of conversations your heard over the course of the morning, these themes were constant;

Kylo Ren.

Here.

They had brought him here.

He had turned.

Or had he?

How would his Mother react?

 

Lunch finally hauled in and you sat in your normal spot at the end back seat (not the ‘head’ seat but the last side position) of the long, rectangular table at the back of the room. Your Mother would laugh had she been able to see your choice. “Of course you have put yourself as far into the corner of a busy room as possible!” she would say. The thought stung. How long had it been since you thought of her? 3 months? 6? A year?

Your thoughts were interrupted by the familiar drone of voices coming towards you.

“… I just can’t believe they thought it was a good idea to bring him here. I mean imagine him sitting in here, eating his lunch, surrounded by the ‘resistance scum’ he sought to extinguish just days ago. Hey, how’s things? Have you heard?”

You smiled up at her. Molly was your oldest and dearest friend. You had joined the resistance together and survived the intensive training side by side. People often questioned your friendship. She was everything you were not: friendly, open, outgoing, simple, beautiful… but that was exactly why it worked so well. You got her to think more logically about the things she would normally think too hard or not enough about, and her simplistic view of the world reminded you to ease up every once in a while. 

You cleared your throat to croak out a reply, “Yeah, kinda hard to miss in a place like this.”, was that the first time you had spoken today? Your mind scrolled casually through your day so far. Yes, it might well have been.

Molly smiled, “Anyway,” She continued her previous conversation with her new suiter, what was it again? James, Jake, Jaidon… you were certain it was a J this time. “Jessica said they took him straight down to the east wing, you know, the old abandoned section? Something about de-programing him before they allow him anywhere near General Organa. I can’t imagine what she must be thinking right now. He killed Hans Solo… his own Father. I wouldn’t know whether to hug him or put a bullet between his eyes myself.”  
Jay (as you were now mentally referring to him) nodded along enthusiastically. You could tell he wasn’t really invested in the conversation. What he was invested in was way far more… immediate.

“Don’t worry babe. If the great and almighty Kylo Ren comes near you, I’ll knock him down in one blow.” He jeered, raising a fist and flexing his biceps to really bring home the point.

You scoffed into your lunch and tried to pass it off as a cough, taking a long drink from you water bottle to try and hide your reaction.

“Well, I’m all outta time hun. But I’ll see you later, yeah?” He carried on, seemingly unaware of you cringing on his behalf across the table.

“Er yeah, we’ll see. I’ve had quite a busy schedule of late.” Molly offered as she stood to embrace him before he wandered off, turning to salute at you both after a few paces.

You counted down from ten in your head until you were sure he was far enough away… three… two… one…

“Really? Him?” You offered.

“Oh God, I know.” Molly sunk back down and brought her elbows onto the table, dropping her head into her hands. “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“I do.” You smirked. She blushed under your gaze before you continued… “ Was it at least worth having to listen to him after?”

She sighed. “Yes. Oh God yes. The things that boy can do with his hands…” she mused as her eyes glazed over, clearly reliving something in her mind. You cleared your throat. “Ah, yes, well. It’s just a shame he has to spoil it by opening his big, dumb mouth. I shall have to end it soon, I’m getting bored with the bits in between the mind blowing…”

You interrupted her, not wanting to hear about their escapades. “So, what do you think de-programming entails then?” Your curiosity was still peaked by the new, mysterious guest at the rebel base. You hated that. Usually you tried so hard to not be a part of the casual gossip flying around, but you had to admit, nothing this interesting had happened in a while. Besides, if anyone knew details, Molly would. She always had the real details since she knew pretty much everyone on base.

“Oh I don’t know exactly. Probably they’ll interrogate him, get him to give up as much info as they can to ‘prove his new alliance’. Then there’ll be the hours of mental fuckery. Re programming his brain to see the order as bad and the resistance as good. Hours of pictures and associations. If he’s a particularly hard case, they might use physical reinforcement… I hope they use the acid.” You were shocked by her, but then again, you knew she had lost so much more than you to the first order.

“Anyway, listen. I’ve got plans tonight, but maybe drinks tomorrow, yes? Michael will be there.” She giggles and wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

You groaned, but before you could retort she stood and started wandering off bringing her tray with her, calling back over her shoulder, “I’m not taking no for an answer. He’s sweet and infatuated with you. You’ll thank me when you finally get some!” and with that she was, very deliberately, out of earshot. You sighed. You knew this was her way of looking after you. If it weren’t for her, you’d barely have any other human contact at all. And besides, she was right. It had indeed been a long time since you had gotten ‘some’.


	2. Sleepless

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First contact!

Chapter 2 – Sleepless

The rest of the day had slipped by so seamlessly. You continued your work, sitting in your office scrutinizing every report, every snippet of information gathered by any means by the resistance. It was your job as intelligence officer to know everything there was to know about the First Order and all it’s high value members.

After you had finished typing up your notes on your last report of the day, you went to shut down your computer, but something stopped you. Your mouse lingered over the shared folder labeled Apprentices, old and new. A quick double-click and there it was. The folder marked Kylo Ren. You paused. Something made you linger there, feeling like you shouldn’t peek. It wasn’t your assignment. You were each designated certain members in your department as well as certain models of ship, bases and planets. Kylo Ren was not yours. Then again, it was there to be read when appropriate, and him being in sudden proximity felt appropriate to you. You double clicked again.

Pages and pages appeared before you. Your eyes drifted down to the bottom left. 347 pages. Good lord. You drifted over the first basic info page. Kylo Ren, birth name Ben Solo. 

Ben. 

Ben?

It didn’t seem right. Everything you knew about the tall, overbearing character that was Kylo Ren, the anger radiating from him, a mess of fury and rage and darkness, did not seem to be containable inside of a small, unassuming name like Ben.

You looked on. His birthday. 17.11.91. 26. He was just 26. That was all. Just half a year older than yourself. You shudder at that thought. You had always thought him to be much older than you. The thought that someone who had been alive the same amount of time as you yet could have already become what he is bothered you. You had always imagined that it would take decades, a full life time of harsh experiences to fill someone full of such hatred. In reality, this new information made you feel more vulnerable, like in another life, another reality, different decisions could have put you there in just as much time.

Suddenly you felt guilty. Like you were spying on a stranger. Your hand reflexively clicked off of the file and shut your computer down. You continued your evening in clockwork fashion. Dinner by 7, a quick swim at the pool before a shower and some light work reading on your sofa. You were roused at 9 by the familiar mewling of your pet cat Felix reminding you that yet again you had forgotten to feed him this evening. You fed him and decided to pack it in, climbing into your bed. Felix, wild and yet desperate for affection like he was, curled up beside you and purred, satisfied when you scratched him roughly between the ears and then draped your arm over his fluffy form.

You closed your eyes, and all you could see was those first three lines.

Firt Order Title: Klyo Ren  
Birth Name: Ben Solo  
Date of Birth: 17.11.91

Something inside you just couldn’t shake the question inside you. What could happen to a man in 26 short years to turn him into… that? You didn’t believe in innate evil. Every person you had ever met was in your eyes a product of circumstance. Molded, shaped by their experiences and surroundings. And yet, here was a man who seemed put on this planet to challenge that belief. Born to two loving (as far as you knew?) resistance heros. He can’t have wanted for much as he grew. Trained by one of the best Jedi known to man; a better trainer was not available. And yet…

Your mind traced circles around what little information you had again and again and again. Before you knew it was 2 am. You sighed. You would not sleep tonight then. You sighed and sat up, much to Felix’s complaint, and swung your legs over the bed. If you must stay awake all night then you would at least make the hours count, you thought. 

10 minutes later and you were slipping through the corridors towards the abandoned gym at the East wing. You told yourself you hadn’t chosen to come here because of him. You had been here so many times before. This place was your little secret. You had spent many a sleepless night here, training in the still kitted out gym. There was more security around tonight, sure, what with the new visitor, but you found it easy to avoid their gaze. You had always been a natural at not being seen or heard. You entered the room and breathed in the familiar, musty, calming sent of the training room and smiled. Now was your time to let loose. Several hours and a bunch of heavy, aching muscles later, you stopped to take a sip from you water bottle.

It was only then that you noticed it. A deep, creeping sensation, starting at the nape of your neck and spreading all across you back, your arms, your head… making every hair stand on end. You felt them before you saw them. Those eyes, those deep, brown eyes, watching you. His eyes. You knew they would be deep brown because they were the same as General Organa’s. His Mother’s. That and you had seen them in an old family photo you had seen in the General’s personal quarters. Almost everyone on the base had had dinner with her either in her own quarters or in the cafeteria at some point. It amazed you how she managed to hold a personal relationship with everyone as equals and yet still retain the upmost respect and command that she undoubtedly had. When she had noticed you staring she had nodded simply, acknowledging your curiosity at her openness. “The moment you bury a truth is the moment it can be used against you.” She was so incredibly wise.

Your body, frozen to the spot, turned slowly. Your eyes drifted up to the viewing area up above, and there he was. A tall, looming figure, dressed all in black. His obsidian hair a mess about his face, his contrasting hands gripping the rail in front of him tightly, knuckles turning an even more shocking shade of white. He wasn’t close enough for you to see much about his features other than a sharp, chiseled jaw and his Roman nose. That and those eyes you already knew to expect. So dark and deep and piercing that they seemed black as he searched your face. 

You were surprised in that you didn’t feel threatened. Not entirely anyway. Just that curiosity rising from before. 26. Just 26 years and here he was. The epitome of everything you had been taught to hate. Your paths so very different and yet so similar in length. You looked at him then. Really looked at him. He looked tired, not just like he hadn’t slept tonight, that much was obvious. He looked like he had never slept soundly a day in his life. His shoulders hunched inward, like the very fact that he was here had him cornered, defensive, a wild animal. His face like a lost child. You thought about his situation right now, no longer belonging at the Order and very painfully not yet belonging here. You felt a pang of something deep within your chest. What was it? Understanding? No. Sympathy? Definitely not. A desire to understand, maybe. Not fear, not hatred, not pity. Was it empathy? He seemed to flinch, almost recoiling at your very thoughts. You cleared you throat, were you going to speak? 

And then he was gone. 

And you were left with more questions than answers.


	3. The Pattern Breaks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something is not right...

Chapter 3 - The Pattern Breaks

Weeks passed, and the base quietened, returning to the monotony of before. Ren was forgotten as no one seemed to have seen or heard him once during his stay. All but you, but you hadn’t dared tell a soul. 

You barely slept. You had never been a good sleeper, so often plagued by an over active mind, but this was different. You tossed and turned, and every time you closed your eyes, his eyes were staring back at you. You wondered what his voice sounded like, how tall and imposing he really felt when stood right in front of you. More importantly you wondered if he slept, or if he was still just as awake as you, plagued by his own demons.

You spent most nights in the gym of East wing now. Your body had become stronger and leaner than it ever was, the only shining beacon in all of this. Most nights he was not there. But sometimes he was. You would take a break, a pause, and look up to see him standing there as before. Same position, same place, same unreadable expression. You had learnt very quickly not to stare back long, instead choosing to throw yourself back into your punches. At some point, you would glance up again and he would be gone. And you found yourself feeling saddened by his absence. When he was there you noticed yourself feeling more centered, calmer. You remained focused on eliminating whatever imaginary target before you rather than your mind wandering down whatever undesirable paths that had stopped you from sleeping that night.

After about 3 weeks he would always be there. Every single night. Sometimes before you. He sat now, at least, in one of the oversized black leather chairs. His left hand clutching his arm rest tightly, leaning on his right elbow, fingers masking his mouth. And it was like this every night. You lay awake in your bed, struggling to sleep, rose in the early hours, trained for a few hours and then returned to your room, showered and fell into bed exhausted, sleeping for 3 maybe 4 more hours and then starting your day all over again.

The pattern remained the same for weeks. 

And then suddenly it was broken. 

He didn’t show. 

Your watch showed 3 am, 4 am, 5… later than you had ever stayed, and still he was not there. A feeling spread deep into your gut. It was panic, but you didn’t know why. 

You knew you liked his attention, something you rarely let yourself consider. It was mostly the mystery involved. You loved the mystery. What was he thinking whilst he watched you? You had accepted that you would probably never know. But maybe you were making this easier on him somehow. You hoped you did.

Wait, were you actually concerned for his welfare now? The golden child of the first order? You realized you must be when you lifted your towel and bottle from the bench and let your feet carry you deeper into the East wing in search of the man you needed to see. You had to settle this giant question mark in your head. 

Besides, you had noticed in your stolen glances that he had been getting thinner and paler. His eyes sinking into his face. You could only surmise that either he was not being fed properly, or refusing to eat. Knowing the General as you did, you assumed the later. Panic rose in you as you sped towards where you knew he would be. The East wing used to have a medical wing. If what you suspected was true, he would be there.

Again, slipping past the guards and nurses was easy. You simply skulked in the shadows and took unknown paths until you found yourself in a dimly lit corridor. Towards the end was one light, gently glowing. It was coming from the last room on the left. Your steps, ever gentle, silent and even, continued to carry you towards that room, until you were close enough to peer in through the window. What you saw shocked you to your core.

There was the General, in her pyjamas no less, sitting in an oversized chair. And in the bed beside her, the dark, fragile figure you had been searching for all evening. And then she spoke, directly to you but without looking at you.  
“You can come in, yknow.” Her voice was small, filled with the familiar lilt of her accent. She turned then to look you in the eye. “In fact I think it best you do.”

Shit. Without a word you slipped into the room and stood awkwardly at the door. The General made no move to speak again for some time, turning back to her son and gently (though hesitating for a second) brushing his hair back from his face. Eventually you realized you would have to lead this conversation if it were to go anywhere.

“What happened to him?” You asked gingerly, the shake in your voice palpable in the air around you.

“He has been refusing to eat.” She replied. So indeed, it was as you expected.

“I see.” You offered.

“I know he has been coming to watch you train.” She offered. You didn’t know how to respond to that, so you thought better of trying. She turned to you again then, tears in her eyes, “I don’t know what to do. He’s my son, and I love him. I see him suffer from his own mind, his own darkness, and yet there is nothing I can do. He is a stranger to me. I hold no power over what he does or does not do. He won’t even talk to me. He just stares at me, like… like…”

“Like he is scrutinizing your every move and yet like he’s not really there at all. Somewhere far away in his mind.” You offered when she failed to finish her sentence. She nodded, thankful that you clearly understood.

“This is going to sound strange.” The General began after some time, “and it is not an order, only a request. You can say no...”

You stared at her intently, heart pounding at what she might ask of you to do with this mysterious and dangerous although momentarily weak man.

“I can’t stay. I have too many duties to attend to over the coming weeks. The resistance is about to make some important strategic moves now that we have… him,” she paused, her gaze ghosting over her son again. Then her eyes were staring into yours again, begging, pleading for what came next. “Stay with him. Be here when he wakes.”

Your heart skipped a beat. “Why me?”

“You calm him. That is why he watches you train. I have seen it in his mind whilst he sleeps… I have been watching his dreams since he arrived. Mostly nightmares, twisted images, but sometimes calm. And in those moments, he is dreaming of watching you train.” She admitted.

Your sucked in a breath of surprise. Why on earth would you calm him? 

“Please.” She begged. 

Every ounce of your body told you that you shouldn’t care, but you also knew that you did. Because this mystery of a man was the only thing that had kept you from going insane this last month or so, even if it had given you other things to over analyze and wonder about in the place of the dark places your mind often went when you suffered these stints of insomnia. You felt like you owed him, even though you had never met him. 

“Fine. But I can’t promise I’ll be much company. We don’t know each other at all. In fact he’ll probably be weirded out by the whole thing.”

“Yes, most probably ‘weirded out’, but hopefully calm. You have that effect on him. Thank you, I cannot begin to tell you how much this means to me. I shall make your excuses for you at your department before I leave. I shall tell you I ran into you looking ill and ordered you right back to your quarters for some rest. No one will be any the wiser.” She winked at you, and you asked yourself again how this woman, so care free with the rules was capable of heading the entire resistance so well.

And so that was how you found yourself curled up in a large, comfy chair, snuggled under a blanket the nurse brought you, trying desperately to stare at the book the General left and not the man lying unconscious in front of you. You were failing desperately.

After a few hours of fighting the urge to gaze at Ren you gave in. You had read 3 chapters of this book and couldn’t even guess at what it was about, you found it too hard t concentrate. You closed it without marking the page and turned your attentions instead to the man asleep in front of you.

26\. Only 26.

And yet his face looked older. Like he had carried the weight of the entire world on his shoulders since the day he was born. In many ways you supposed he had. Imagine the pressure of being born of two resistance heros. Imagine what that was to live up too. Plus being taught by the greatest Jedi known to man and having a very promising dose of the Force… so much must have been expected of him from such a young age. And then there was his time at the Order… you couldn’t even hazard a guess at what that had been like.

All that being said, whilst mapping the faint worry lines of his face you couldn’t help but notice that he was objectively handsome, though someone like Molly or most others would have probably missed it. You had to look beyond his obvious attempts to warn people off to see it, which you were sure most people did not have the luxury of time like this with him to do. Beyond the all-black, dramatic attire (to be fair you always favoured black or dark colours yourself), the mask, the thick leather gloves and polished boots to see it. But it was clear as day now when he was stripped of his costume. He had a strong, masculine jaw line, broad shoulders, and that hair… Well, you had always been one for long hair. You thought about touching it for a second then thought better of it. You wouldn’t like a stranger touching you in your sleep. Then again you wouldn’t exactly feel comfortable being watched in your sleep like this either.

You looked down at your watch again… 8 am. The general would be off the base by now. You yawned, sighed and decided to try and get some sleep yourself. Bringing your legs in and over the arm of the chair, you wiggled until you felt comfortable, curled up like Felix no doubt was on your bed right now, and gave in to the sleep that your body so desperately required.


	4. A Rude Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First conversations are always awkward...

Chapter 4

You awoke to blackness all around you. Your breath was fast and heavy in your chest… you felt like you had been running, but you had no memory of what from. You saw a light ahead and moved towards it. A fire. A small fire by a pool of water. You fell to your knees and reached down to splash some of the cool water on your face only to realized that your hands were already damp. 

Blood. Your hands were covered in blood. Dark and sticky scarlet dripping from your finger tips and running in rivulets between your fingers. You opened your mouth to scream but only the sounds of strangled panic came. You hurriedly plunged your hands into the water, rubbing them together furiously to remove the bold. Once they were clean you leant forward again to run some water over your sweat drenched face only to see the reflection not of yourself, but of a stranger reflected back at you. A man’s face. Black raven hair and piercing deep brown eyes…

You shot upright in the chair, a gasp coming out of your lips, your brow dripping in sweat and your shirt sticking to your back and the moisture there. It took you about 5 seconds to realize you had been having a nightmare and another 5 to realize that you were not the only one. You looked down to see a pair of eyes black with fear staring back at you, strands of black hair stuck to his forehead and cheeks with the sweat, similar to yours.

You place your hands over your eyes and slumped back into the chair, breathing out deeply and trying to slow your pulse.

“Why the fuck are you here?” His voice was deep and husky, thick with sleep. Though he was clearly angered you could tell he had attempted to measure his voice carefully, trying to filter out the hostility there. It didn’t work particularly well.

You took a moment to gather your composure before smoothing your hands up to comb through your hair and then lowering them back into your lap. When you looked at him, he seemed to squirm slightly under your gaze, though he didn’t quite know what to expect in response from you. In many ways he probably didn’t and neither did you. This was a unique situation. However you certainly didn’t expect the level of sass that fell out of your mouth to match his own.

“Oh sorry, I didn’t realize you were the King of where the fuck I am.” You choked out in mock apology.

He rose one eyebrow in response, whether in shock, in amusement or in a ‘I can’t believe you just said that to me’ kind of way you couldn’t really tell. Perhaps it was in fact all of the above.

“The General asked me to stay. She had to leave and she didn’t want you to wake alone, so…” you gestured at yourself sitting in the chair to finish your point, but he was hardly paying attention.

“My mother was here?” It was a question but also an exclamation of surprise. 

“Yes.” He stared at you for a long time before you decided to continue just to break the silence. “She was beside herself with worry.”

“I doubt that…”

“Why?”

“Because she hasn’t been to see me in 2 weeks. Not since I…” He trailed off, closing his eyes and balling his hands tight, so tight you were sure he would be drawing blood with his nails. When he opened his eyes to continue, he had a dark expression on his face. One of real anger and hatred. “I don’t have to explain myself to you. Who are you? Some lowly resistance worker. Some silly little girl so desperate to be on the front line, part of the action of the big, strong resistance that she spends hours on end training in the night. But really you’re just another laky behind a desk making little to no contribution to the war. Wouldn’t you Mother be proud…”

And that is the precise moment that your hand connected with his face, making the most wonderful sound.

“Do not…” you paused to take a deep breath, your voice had come out a great deal louder than you had intended. You began again, but down a few levels, “ Do not presume to know me just because you have a sick twisted obsession with watching me in the early hours of the night.”

“I know plenty about you. Your head is like an open book. I know your name, your station, you have a cat…” you cut him off here, not wanting to know a list of all of the things this stranger knew about you.

“I know your name too.” You began. It sounded so innocent, like a thing a child might say. He clearly wasn’t expecting what happened next.

“Well of course you do.” He began, cocky, still full of bile and malice, intent on making you feel every bit the stupid little girl he clearly thought of you as, “There’s barely a person in the Galaxy who hasn’t heard of Kyl…”

“Ben.” You spoke it low and confidently, really enunciating every single letter, with every intent to wound. He wanted to fight, fine. But he couldn’t expect you to just sit there and take it without putting up a fight. Pain streaked across his face. He visibly recoiled from the word hanging stagnant in the air.

You could almost feel an apology bubbling out of you at the instant you saw him react to it, but you were still angry with him. So you stood gathering your few things ready to leave. 

“I will send a message to your Mother that you are awake…”

“Wait. Don’t leave. Please, not yet.” He barely whispered to you. His voice was so different than it was just moments ago that it stopped you dead in your tracks. You looked at him, really looked at him, and saw panic in his eyes, no matter how stern he held his expression. He was so his mother’s son, always giving it away with his eyes… ‘that’s why he wears the mask’ a section of your head noted. You quietened it immediately.

You suddenly felt so ashamed, looking at the poor, helpless man on the bed. It would be so easy to hate him and leave right now, never to return again. But again, you realized that all this was a product of his experiences. The man was starving himself to death for God sakes. He was already punishing himself, he didn’t need it from anyone else.

You sunk down on the edge of your chair again. He relaxed back into his pillow and stared at you again, but softer this time.

“On one condition, Kylo Ren.” You murmured. He seemed somehow comforted by the use of his more familiar name. You made a mental note to not call him Ben for the meanwhile.

“Fucking eat something.” You exclaimed, pushing the bowl of fruit placed on his bedside table his way.


	5. Difficult Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mild humour and sass, some angst on Kylo's part. You still don't really know how to feel.

Chapter 5

He started with a grape, staring it down lengthily before throwing it into his mouth and chewing. You could have sworn you heard him groan in satisfaction as he plucked another, and another. Then it was nectarines, the juice running down his chin as he feasted on their delicate flesh. You almost felt like you should leave to give him some privacy at this point, his body frenzied. He got through a whole punnet of grapes, and 3 nectarines before you warned him that he ought to slow it down.

A hearty chuckle vibrated through his chest, his mood clearly lifting, “I thought you wanted me to eat.” He stated… “I am eating.”

“Yes, but your stomach has been starved… if you give it too much at once, you might not like the results…”

It was like his body waited until your mouth had told it what it should do before he went the most awkward shade of green.

“Shit.” He grumbled as he threw back the overs, ripped out his IV and tried to get to his feet. He failed miserably and you had to catch him, half supporting his weight as he stood beside you. “Bathroom.” He barked. He was so clearly used to giving orders in such a manner, you thought, but your mind decided it wasn’t worth possibly being puked on to make a point. Your arm snaked around his waist and you awkwardly helped him to the tiny ensuite. He made it in with enough time to roughly push you out the door and shut it before you heard the onslaught. You stood nervously outside the door, wondering if you ought to leave, call the nurse for help or just stand there. You opted for the last one, awkwardly, moving your weight from one foot to the other.

After 5 minutes the retches ceased, and you gingerly opened and peered around the door. He was slumped, wedged between the toilet and the wall, arm slung over the lid and head in his hand. For some reason the absurdity of it all made a giggle explode from between your lips. He looked up at you then.

“What?”

“Nothing it’s just…” … more laughter sang out from you. He began to look a bit put out. You continued to explain, “Here you are… Kylo Ren… former Knight of Ren… apprentice and second in command to Supreme Leader Snoke… slumped here having just puked your guts out. You’ve never seemed more…”

“Weak” he spat.

“Human.” You corrected warmly. He seemed to collapse in on himself even more then, suddenly looking more self-conscious of his current predicament. He held out a hand.

“Be useful at least if you will feel obliged to stay on my darling Mother’s account.” He spoke gruffly. Anger ever present, but seemingly at himself you felt and not you.

You helped him up and back into his bed, though he seemed stronger already and hardly needed to lean his weight against you this time. You were more able to feel the way in which his body felt under your hands this time. Though he had been somewhat malnourished of late, his muscles seemed to still be well developed under his top. He still felt powerful, like he could still kill a man with one blow regardless of his condition. Firm to the touch and pleasantly warm. You saw the corners of his mouth twitch, as if into a smirk. It was then that you realized your mistake.

“Get the fuck out of my head!” You growled, slapping your hands to your head as if it might somehow shield your thoughts from him.

“I can’t help it, it’s just like another sense to me. Like seeing or hearing… it just sort of… happens.” He threw his hands up in mock surrender. You sat down heavily in your chair, too embarrassed to say anything at all. “In all honesty, don’t worry… I’m used to it. Hearing what people think of me as clear as day. To be honest, it’s the nicest thing I’ve heard in a while.” Was that a smile you saw dance across his lips briefly?

Yes. There it was again, that twitch in the corners of his mouth. A smirk he thought the better of and tried to hide.

“What else have you… heard then.” You tried desperately to move the conversation along.

“Just from this base? Let’s see, there’s been: Arsehole. Monster. Megalomaniac. First Order Scum…”

He swallowed hard, almost gathering strength for the next.

“Father Murderer.”

“Disappointment of a son.”

You grimaced at that. The pain audible in his voice suddenly becoming a crushing weight on your chest. You wanted to reach out to him then. To tell him that it didn’t matter what anyone else thought. That no one else could understand himself but him. That no one had a right to judge him. But your mouth fell silent and your hands remained plastered to your knees. You didn’t even know how you felt about him yet. He was a stranger. And a dangerous one at that.

“But none of it from you.” He was staring at you now. His eyes searching yours for an answer to a question he never spoke aloud.

“Why are you able to look at me? The things I have done… the people I have killed… tortured…” he uttered in barely a whisper.

You swallowed hard. Until now, nothing had forced you to look what he had done, who he had been head on. You shrugged, unsure how to tackle such an unexpected question.

“Did you like it?”. You tried so hard to keep the shaking from your voice. His face darkened and his eyes turned from dark brown to black. He was balling his fists again, but harder. Intent to punish himself even in this small way.

There was a long pause. His eyes far away. You couldn’t imagine what they were seeing again in his memory.  
“Sometimes.” He choked out, as a drop of blood spread out into the white sheet below his hand.

“But not always.” You reasoned. He wouldn’t meet you eye now. His stare was fixed on a spot in the wall right ahead of you.

“You didn’t kill Rey. And you could have. I know that. It was my job to read her report. Lift the facts.” Your mind gripped out at this fact that you knew, desperately clawing for evidence that he was not pure evil. You did not, after all, believe in that.

Though still timid, you were feeling more confident in your point, “And not just once. On several occasions. You passed them up. Every one.”

He turned then, onto his side, facing away from you.

“I need to sleep. Close the door behind you as you go.” Again, it sounded too much like an order, but you swallowed your anger at that.

“Please.” He added, as though he had heard your anger at the ‘order’. He probably did. 

You raised to your feet and left the room, closing the door like he asked. 

You could have sworn you heard a sob as you left the room.

Your heart wanted to take you back into the room. To comfort the man lying, crying alone in his bed like you were so familiar with. You still didn’t really know why you wanted that. Why you couldn’t hate him.

Your feet and your exhausted mind instead carried you back to your bed, where you dropped, a stone sinking in a river, and became unconscious almost immediately.


	6. Getting used to Ben

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A gentle ribbing never hurt anyone...

Chapter 6

You awoke at 12 am the next day, sunlight streaming through your window and Felix pawing you impatiently in the face.

“Shit!” you exclaimed, sitting bolt upright, reaching for your PADD. Ringing your supervisor your mind rushed with excuses to make for you not making an appearance for the second day in a row. Her face flashed up on my screen after only two rings. Did that mean she was mad or worried? You opened your mouth about to speak when she cut you off…

“Hannah, what the hell are you doing up? You look bloody awful!” she exclaimed, worry very apparent on her face.

“Huh?” you exclaimed, suddenly realizing in the box showing you your face that you hadn’t taken a moment to fix you deep-sleep hair do and your face still puffy from your first good slumber in weeks.

“Oh, yeah, I just woke up. Listen, I’m sorry, I know I should have rung in this morning to say I was sick, but I just… well…”

“Oh we’ve already been told to expect you out for the week. General’s orders in fact so I’m told. She came in and told Steve personally, so relax, you’re off the hook.” She replied, winking at you. You bloody loved that woman, she was possibly the best supervisor you’d ever had to answer to.

“Ah. Well then… er… good.” You floundered, unsure what to say next.

“Listen, you’re one of our top Intelligence Officers, and I know you’re always helping pick up other’s slack around here. Whether you’re sick or just burnt out or whatever, don’t sweat it, I don’t need to know the formalities. If the General thinks you need this time then you got it. The team has it covered for you. Get well soon and don’t rush back. Now that’s an order! Anyway, gotta run, catch ya soon!” and with that the screen blinked off.

Jesus, everyone was so nice around here. It had been 5 long years and you still weren’t used to it. Some would say it made the resistance feel like one big family, but you really didn’t have much experience of that to compare it to.

You busied yourself with feeding the ever-hungry Felix, eating some breakfast (you were STARVING) and showering/taming your wild hair. All of that took you up to about lunch time, when you sat in your chair and stared off into space. You were not used to this. Free time. What the hell were you meant to do with yourself now?

You knew of course exactly what the General would want you to do, but you were unsure that he would even want to see you after the way things went yesterday.

It took you exactly 3 trips around your already tidy apartment, pretending to straighten things that were already straight and swiping at tiny motes of dust on surfaces before you resigned yourself to the fact that you had to go back. The General had given you this time even though the resistance was in full swing at the moment with many important missions. The least you could do to repay her was spend some of it with her, well, quite frankly dick of a son.  
You packed a bag with a few bits you might need. A data PADD, a book and a few other bits to busy yourself with if he was sleeping, a water bottle, some snacks and finally a punnet of grapes. You smirked as you placed the last thing into your bag. Here’s hoping he’s in the mood for a gentle ribbing, you thought.

You made your way back to the East wing, making no effort to skulk in the shadows this time, you were sure The General would have made sure to update Security’s list of people allowed into the East Wing to include you name, and you were right. 

You heard him long before you saw him. You were only 10 paces away when a chair came flying out of the room, crashed into the wall and landed in a now meer approximation of a chair on the floor.

You stopped in your tracks for a moment and questioned again if you ought to be here. You may not improve his current mood. 

A thought crossed your mind that solidified you decision. You were the only person he had right now on this entire base, maybe even the entire world, who would come in here freely to see him now that his Mother was off on a mission. He needed someone, even if he detested that someone somewhat.

When you entered the room, a nurse was cowering away from him slightly. He was standing, looming over her.

“I can do it MYSELF… BEGONE.” He thundered. From the scattered equipment around the two of them, you gathered that she had been sent to give him a bed bath or help him to shower. The very thought of it almost made you laugh out loud. Almost.

In all credit to her, she squared up to him a little even though she was still somehow moving back from him, “I’ve been ordered to help…” she began, but didn’t get to the end of her sentence.

“I DON’T GIVE A FLYING FUCK WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN ORDERED. I CAN WASH MYSLEF YOU STUPID WH…” he raged. He hadn’t even noticed anyone had entered the room until you interrupted him

“A flying fuck… really? The phone rang, all the cool edgy teens want their rebellious insults back.” You kept your voice jovial but sarcastic, trying to not only diffuse the situation but also draw his attention away form the poor nurse shrinking away in front of him.

The look he gave you was utterly incredulous. He stared, seemingly frozen to the spot. You ignored him and turned to the poor, quivering nurse. Using your quietest but still authoritative voice you spoke directly to her.

“Thank you so much for trying to help him. Believe it or not he is most grateful, but in all honesty, we’re fine. I shall help him myself. You’re presence is not needed.”

The relief on her face was a picture. She thanked you quickly and left the room, practically sprinting out of the door. You took a moment to put down you things in the oversized chair you were in yesterday and removed your jumper, it was warm in here. You couldn’t decide f that was due to the heating or the heat radiating off of the angry and infuriated man in from of you.

You looked up at him then, still standing as he was, same indescribable look on his face. That seemed to press his play button again.

“If you think for ONE SECOND that I would feel ANY DIFFERENT about you doing…”

“Oh relax,” you chided, pretending not to be flustered at all be the tone of his voice and plonking yourself down into the seat. You crossed your legs and pulled your book from your bag before continuing, “I just said that to get her out of the room. If you can stand there shouting at some poor woman just trying to follow her orders like that, you can certainly shower yourself.”

You opened your book now and placed you bookmark on the arm of the chair. 

“Besides, I have about as much interest in showering you as you have in me doing it.”

He was somewhat frozen again, unmoving, processing what had just happened and how you had suddenly entered the room and de-throned him as the dominant force in the room in just a few brief sentences.

You spotted something scrunched up by your feet and just couldn’t resist adding the cherry to the top.

Throwing the towel directly at him, you scolded, “Chop-chop for God sakes, I’m not going to sit and wait around all day.” And with that you turned your attention away from him completely and to your book, struggling to keep the amusement you felt from you face at how dis-armed he seemed by it all.

A few more seconds passed and then he shuffled silently into the ensuite. A few moments later you heard the unmistakable sounds of a shower being turned on by someone who did not know how to work said shower. You heard a few choice profanities hiss out of his mouth until he eventually must have worked it out and hopped in.

This was your que. You placed your book down momentarily and took out the large punnet of grapes, placing it on the table beside his bed. You noticed the empty plate and cutlery also on the table. Good. He had eaten then. Perhaps something you had said had been the right thing to say after all.

10 minutes later, a very soggy and subdued Kylo entered the room, toweling off his now even darker hair roughly and sitting on the edge of the bed across from you. You continued to read your book, pretending to not be distracted at all by the fact that you suspected form his very naked, muscular calves that he was wearing little to nothing at all under the bath robe he had on. What had come over you? You hoped he wasn’t listening to your thoughts at this present moment, though you could feel your cheeks blushing somewhat. If he was, he didn’t let on.

He finished drying his hair and looked around the room for a place to leave his towel, opting to throw it at the other chair in the room where it landed in a crumpled heap. He was clearly used to being picked up after by some poor, quivering servant or other in The Order.

It was then that you noticed he was staring at you again, this time with a thoughtful expression on his face.

“What are you reading?” he enquired, not sounding wholly interested, but clearly feeling the need to fill the silence with some kind of small talk.  
“Just a novel about a dystopian future in which there are two kinds of people, separated by bloodlines, and one is enslaved and controlled by the other until one special little snowflake turns up who seems to be undiscerningly from both.” you offered. It was a complete dis-service of a summary of the book in question, but you wanted to ease him into your presence, and sarcastic humour seemed to work well before.

“Sounds… well, like total garbage if you aske me.” He smirked.

“Oh it is. Complete and utter horse shit, but I find that I am thoroughly enjoying it none the less.” You responded, making a mental note to apologize to the author for such a brash statement if you should ever be so lucky as to meet her.

“Why did you come back?” he asked you then. His voice again seemed that of a child. He sounded vulnerable, almost needy then. You placed your bookmark into the page you were at and put your book back into your bag. This conversation deserved your full attention.

“Kylo, I…”

“Call me Ben. Like you did before. I decided I… I should probably get used to it.” He was looking down at his feet, seemingly finding anywhere else to look than at you at present.

“Ben… I wanted to apologize for some of the things I said yesterday. I was…”

“Only responding to me being a hateful asshole.” He finished, finally meeting your eye, “It is I who should say sorry.” The sincerity of it, mixed with the intensity of those eyes yet again melted you where you sat. You couldn’t even be mad that he had just interrupted you twice. You nodded to show you accepted his kinda sorta apology and searched for something to move the conversation along.

Your eyes fell on something which brought a mischievous smile to your lips. You nodded towards the table.

“I brought you something.” You smiled. He followed your gaze and cracked into a low chuckle.

“Fuck you!” he exclaimed, but it was in jest, the amusement clear on his face. He was even smiling openly; you laughed lightly along with him. 

“I also noticed you must have eaten better today already. That’s good Ben. You look better for it already.” You gestured towards the plate, and then his face. He already looked brighter, more colour in is cheeks. He hummed a note of agreement and told you that he did indeed feel better for it.

The conversation went on until the nurses ushered you out, saying he needed his rest, but you returned the next day, and the next. In fact you spent most of your days with him for the remainder of that week. Each day he would appear to be eating more, and each day he seemed stronger and more alive than the last. He trusted you more and more with things, let his guard down more. Some days he even seemed to be content, like he was at more peace than he had been in a long time. It made your heart swell to see him doing so well after his rough start to this new life of his.

As with anything this sickly sweet, it was domed not to last.


	7. Nothing good happens after 2am

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ... Or does it?

Chapter 7

You awoke to darkness surrounding you again. You were lying on a cold hard surface, the air freezing around you, biting at your nose, your ears, the tips of your fingers. If you could see even a millimeter in front of your face, you knew your fast, panicked breath would have been billowing out of you in columns of steam. You sat up and tried to get your bearings, but came up empty.

The freezing air started crawling closer and closer towards your heart now, dread setting deep into your veins, spreading like poison.

Suddenly, blinding light crashed into you. A freight train colliding at full speed directly into your face. You squirmed and squinted and tried to shield your eyes away from the blaring light. 

It took some moments for your eyes to adjust. Once you had, you wished you hadn’t. You were in a narrow but long room stretching beyond where the eye could see to either side of you. It was made entirely of blank grey walls, floor and stainless steal surfaced tables like the one you were lying on spreading uniformly in two neat rows the whole length along.

You were in a morgue. 

And you were not the only occupant. 

On each table, a body. Every single one had a silent occupant. And the more you looked, the more you felt a niggle in the back of your mind. 

You realized that you knew them, each and every one.

These were the people’s deaths you were responsible for, by your own hand or even your orders.

You walked down the line for several minutes, staring at each ashen face, cowering from their silent accusations. This one a boy of no more than 13, that one a pregnant woman, this one a girl no older than 5. Your head was swimming with the screaming silence.

And then, a noise. A high pitched keening, like a kettle begging to be removed from the heat, and they sat up. Each and every one, in unison, sat up and stared at you. Expressions still blank, eyes vacant but unmistakably on you.

Then they began to move again, as if to get off of the bed.

This was the part where you ran. 

Your feet carrying you faster and faster, your heart not just in your mouth but in every part of you, thrumming, drumming, becoming the only sound you knew. You looked behind you as you ran, to see the stream of people following you in quick succession. A cascade effect of people shuffling from the tables , each pair you pass just that tiny bit ahead of the last and getting nearer and nearer to reaching you.

You turned just in time to see the cadaver standing in the aisle in front of you, but not in time to slow down. Your whole world went into slow motion as you hurtled towards the man you knew best in this entire corridor of horrors. The man you spent so many years running towards on purpose.

As you got closer and closer to him, time got slower and slower. You had the time to look, really look at your Father. You noticed every line, every detail. He looked so tired, so old. Had you done that to him? Made him worry away his youth and life force? 

Just before you collided with him you noticed one last thing. One tiny detail. 

A single tear, just starting it’s pilgrimage down his ruined face, plump and round and pregnant with all the betrayal he must have felt in his last few moments alive.

You welcomed your immediate death. You deserved it wholly and completely a thousand times over.

Bang.

You were awake, and in darkness again, but this time the setting was as expected.

You felt the familiar nudging of Felix licking at your hand as he always did when you had a bad dream.

Except it wasn’t your bad dream, was it.

Ben.

You practically sprinted out your door. You didn’t even stop to grab a jumper or slippers. You must have looked a complete and total picture running through the halls in your favorite baggy shirt, short shorts and fluffy socks.

Gods be good, you met no one on your way, not even security who appeared to have taken that precise moment for a break. How professional.

You burst into his room, a hot mess of limbs and tendrils of hair wild about your face, into another pitch black and totally still and silent room. You almost convinced yourself then that you were wrong. That it had just been your own silly dream and that he was sleeping.

Then you heard it. The tiniest of sobs. And then a voice.

“Go away.”

But there was no conviction in it.

You found yourself moving without your brain giving you permission toward his bed. You reached a hand out to find him in the darkness and made contact with his shoulder.

“I most certainly will not.” You surprised even yourself with how bold and steely your voice sang out in the darkness.

He broke then. A torrent of sobs and fitful breaths and shaking boiling to the surface of him. You did as only you knew how to in these situations. You wadded right into the storm to fetch him, crawling up onto the bed with him, folding your form awkwardly around his much longer and larger one, trying your best to envelop him in your arms. You made all manner of noises you had never heard yourself make before or since. Humming and shh-ing and really just anything, anything to let him hear you, let him know that you were right there beside him the whole time.

At first he made no indications of accepting your comfort, but neither did he deny it. After an hour or maybe two, his body went limp and quieted some. You used this moment to somewhat force him into turning into you. He didn’t even have it in him to resist, snaking his arms around you and pressing his moist, clammy face into your shoulder. 

You tried you hardest to keep your hands confined to his shoulder blades where they had spent the last few hours kneading gentle circles into him, but the way he responded now to your touch had a heat crawling into your skin that was entirely sinful at a time like this. Here he was, rock bottom, coming completely undone, and yet all of a sudden, all you could think of was what it would feel like to slip your hands up across his neck and into his hair.

It took you about another 10 minutes of focusing hard on telling yourself you most certainly wouldn’t and what a terrible person you must be before you realized that at some point you already had. Though still damp with sweat it felt like silk slipping between your fingers. 

He made a sound then. It was a deep, low hum that vibrated though his body and into yours. You froze, unsure whether it was in annoyance or…

“Please, don’t stop. I… I like it.” 

You were glad of the darkened room, because the shade of red creeping up your body from your toes right the way up to the top of your head was utterly scarlet. Your heart beat kicked up a notch, which he must have noticed.

You continued combing through his hair and prayed to Gad that he didn’t peek into your mind. The tip of your fingers scrapped lightly against his scalp, and he almost purred, nuzzling closer into your person. You swallowed. Hard.

“Thank you. For coming here, in the middle of the night. I’m sorry that I projected my dream to you. If it’s any consolation, it was totally unconscious on my part.” He spoke so calmly and freely to you in this moment, his voice having lost all the tenseness and carefully measured neutrality. He wasn’t an ex-First Order member, he wasn’t a Jedi, he wasn’t Kylo Ren or the son of a great leader. He wasn’t dark or light or anything. Break down all of this, all of his walls and he was just this, completely pure Ben.

“It’s alright. I don’t mind.” You mumbled, suddenly unsure of what to do with yourself. Ben had started tracing feather light circles on your back with his fingers. It was the tiniest feeling, barely there, and yet it was all your body could focus on. You were unsure when your feelings towards this man had changed to attraction. Maybe they always had been, but you most certainly in this moment knew that you wanted nothing more than to grab handfuls of his luscious hair and pull his face up to connect with yours.

You knew that would have been totally inappropriate given that he was still currently recovering from his momentary breakdown. That and the fact that you had no real reason to believe that he felt the same. In fact, this was you we were talking about. Of course he didn’t. How many women must have thrown themselves at the feet of this beautiful man in his life time. You were unlikely to be able to compete with the likes he had been with.

“How could you think that?” Ben exclaimed, sounding horrified at the thought. It shocked you back into the room. Shit. How much had he heard?

You began to panic, but not for long. Ben leaned up on his hands, bringing his face level with yours. You still couldn’t see much, the sun had probably risen by now, but the black-out curtains were still drawn. You knew he was level with you when his warm breath washed over your face. Level and very close.

Swallowing again, you were about to choke out an apology when you felt it. His lips brushed against yours. It was so light, so unimposing and so very, very quick. You blinked into the blackness, all words forgotten to you for the moment.

When he moved in a second time, you sure as hell weren’t letting him go that quickly.

Your hands snaked deep into his hair pushing him closer into you. You fought back fiercely with your lips, every nerve ending in your body alive, every fiber of your being calling out for him. Your blood singing hotly through your veins. He groaned from deep in his throat as you bit down lightly on his bottom lip, a delightful, needy sound that you began to chase. He wrapped his arms under you, gripping you tightly and moving more of his weight over you, pinning you gently to the bed beneath.

You could have gone on like this for hours. For day. But all of a sudden, you remembered why this was so wrong.

“Ben, stop.” You whispered, pulling away from him slightly.

To his credit, he did, right away. He leant his forehead against yours, catching his breath for a moment.

“What is it?” he replied in a strained tone.

“I just… I… it’s not that I don’t want this. I do. God do I. But the way you’ve been tonight… I wouldn’t exactly describe you as clear headed right now. What if this isn’t what you want? I could so easily take advantage of you right now.” It all blurted from your mouth too quickly. You hoped he had followed your meaning.

“I want this. I have wanted this since that first night I saw you train… I…” He was dragging his hand up your neck and onto you face, dragging his thumb lazily across your bottom lip in the darkness.

“…. Am not sure what you want right now.” You continued firmly. He huffed then and pulled away a little more, clearly unhappy with you.

“I’m not saying no Ben. I’m saying get better first, and then we’ll see if it’s still what you want.” You spoke like you were talking to a child, but in all honesty it was because you were trying to convince yourself as much as him that this was the right thing to do. You braced yourself for an onslaught of his rage, but it didn’t come. He simply nodded and rolled off of you and settled his head on the pillow beside you, a dim light having perforated the room now for you to see his eyes peering up at you in the darkness.

“You promise that we can revisit this?” he asked shyly.

“I promise. I won’t be forgetting that in a while Ben. You won’t get away with never discussing it again that easily.” You smiled at him and he returned the smile. He yawned, and you realized how exhausted you both were. Sleep took you both and you happily dozed in each other’s arms a few more hours before a nurse came in and got the shock of her life.


	8. Gunna Wash That Man Right Outta My Hair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are having second thoughts about what happened last night...

Chapter 8

When you had left, he was still sleeping.

You were glad.

You slunk back to your apartment like a big cat, desperate to be alone and to be able to get your head around what happened.

You thankfully got back home and closed the door behind you, leaning on it both for of support and to keep the outside world away.

You has kissed him.

You had kissed Kylo Ren.

And you had liked it.

What was happening to you?

You raked your hands over your face and let out a tortured moan.

Something bumped against your ankle, making you jump out of your skin.

Just Felix, affectionately head bumping against your ankle. You sink down the door and hold out your hand to him. He sniffs it carefully and backs off from whatever trace of Ben he picks up, spitting slightly.

“Well that’s rude!” you remark at him as he bounds off down the hall to do cat things away from you.

“Although something to think about.” You continue to no one in particular.

You had plunged your hands into the hair of a dangerous man.

A killer.

A murderer?

The term didn’t feel right sitting next to everything you knew about him now.

Your head swam with the vision of his eyes. So deep and intuitive as they followed your every move. They crease at the edges as he smirks at something you have done to amuse him. 

Your hand slowly raises to ghost over your lips. You can still feel him there; can still hear him moan deep from within his throat as he battled with your mouth… A warm sensation spread throughout your body, a wave of tingling desire starting in the pit of your stomach and reaching out like the tendrils of a vine…

Jesus. You needed to get laid, this was pathetic! It was just a kiss. And possibly a mistake at that.  
You picked yourself up and wandered down the hall and into the refresher where you drew yourself a bath in an attempt to wash the remnants of him from your skin.

When you were done you reached form your PADD and found an invite from Molly flashing away.

YO!

Party – the sequel! Tonight at my dorm.

Be there or be some kind of regular quadrilateral!

Jesus, she was so over the top! But still, it would probably be good to branch out. For a week now the only person you had socialized with was previously known as Kylo Fucking Ren. You needed to remind yourself what real interactions felt like.

You dried and threw up your hair and chose your best black, slinky dress and wandered out, remembering to throw a food pouch in Felix’s bowl on your way out. He chirruped appreciated and with that you were out and headed towards Molly’s place.

A small voice in the back of your head wondered if he would wonder where you were… you would normally have been there to visit by now. You told the voice you didn’t care.

It was a lie.


	9. The Party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You find yourself getting more than you bargained for when you try and forget everything going on in your life.
> 
> Trigger warning: heavy insinuation of non-specific date-rape drug and description of the effects on reader. Threat of assault building.

Chapter 9 

The party was already in full swing when you arrived. You could tell this even before you went in. The thrumming of the heavy bass line resonated deeply in your chest, forcing the beating of your heart to match it's pace. Above that you could hear the chaotic treble of people chattering and laughing. Molly's parties were legendary and not something people opted to miss lightly. It would be heaving in there. Normally this would have already sparked off feelings of regret at coming. Loud and busy settings were not your scene. However, tonight it was just what you needed. You needed to not think for a while.

 

Heading inside, you were immediately greeted by the exuberant hostess herself. "You came!" she squealed, draping her arms around you excitedly whilst managing to spill a few drips of whatever she was drinking down your neck. No matter, it would dry.

"Of course!" you answered, trying to match her level of energy. She smiled sweetly and linked her arm around yours, dragging you around the room to introduce you to all manner of new people. You smiled up sweetly at them all and repeated their names in attempts to commit their names to memory. You knew it was a futile attempt. Your mind could barely focus on what was in front of you, still stuck on Ben. What was he doing right now? Stars... you needed a drink and fast!

Almost like she too could read you thoughts, Molly plucked a fresh drink from the hands of Jay (Jonathon? Jamal?) with a wink and passed it to you whilst steering you down to a recently vacated sofa. "We have so much to catch up on! I've not seen you all week. Your office said Leila herself had ordered you have sick leave! Is everything ok?" she questioned, genuine concern on her face.

You froze for a moment... so much of you wanted to tell her everything. You so desperately needed to tell someone. But it all got stuck in your throat. Where would you even begin? What would you even say? What could you say that would let her understand? You opted instead to drain your drink first to bide you thinking time. Stars this drink was strong! "Good" a voice deep within you exclaimed.

"Molls, I would love to tell you what's been going on, but I don't think the General would much appreciate it. Suffice it to say, I've had one hell of a week, and I really need to unwind and not think for a while!" You pleaded hoping that she would take pity on you and back off the questions.

A smile spreads across Molly's face, and a devious look creeps into her eye... "Well honey, you came to the right place!" she chimes as she drags you towards her makeshift bar and orders two overly complicated sounding drinks. Once her order is done and the guy slinks off to try and follow her precise instructions (how does she manage to get people to serve at her parties? you wondered) she looks over at you and takes your hand in hers. "I get that you can't say anything, as infuriating as it is to me. Just promise me you're going to be ok?" she pleads.

"I promise!" you answer, giving her hand a squeeze. Her face is back to smiles and she drags you, drinks in tow, onto the dance floor. For the next few hours you barely have room to think beyond making your body dance to the rhythm of the music. Tonight you are especially glad to be friends with the life and soul of the party.

Several hours in and you found yourself sat cornered in by Michael going on about some big master plan he had in engineering or whatever. In all honesty, you'd mostly zoned out. You hadn't thought about Ben in hours, but suddenly you had found yourself thinking back to that kiss. You had never been so affected by a kiss as violently as that. Maybe that was just what attraction feels like. Maybe you had just never felt true attraction until now. Even as you thought it you knew that was a lie. This was more than pure biological lust. You found everything about him totally intriguing, which was more than you could say for Michael. For fuck sake. Life would be so much easier if you liked a guy like Michael. It was no secret that he had feelings for you. Everybody you knew had told you to make a move on him, but the truth was something about him put you on edge. Everyone was always going on about how nice a guy he was. To you he seemed too nice, and you just couldn't trust him for some reason. 

Suddenly you realised he had stopped talking. He was staring it you. Stars, you had been staring at him whilst zoned out, hadn't you. And he was obviously misreading the signals completely. Before you had time to say anything, he leaned in. You couldn't help the way your body reacted. You instantly shrunk backwards and away from him, leaving him hanging in the air. Eyes open and shocked, he exclaimed "What the fuck?"

"I'm sorry, I just... I... I'm seeing someone actually." You offer as an apology for the outright rejection. Seeing someone? Is that how you'd truly describe it? Or was that an excuse for this awkward mess.

A cold, dead expression came over his face. You had never seen his face like this before. Cold and emotionless, anger burned in his eyes."Sorry? You will be. Bitch." He replied quietly. A cold shiver spread through your body. He seemed to genuinely mean it. And with that he rose and strode out of the party without saying a word to anyone.

You sat for a moment in a state of confusion. That certainly wasn't the Michael everyone knew... perhaps you were right all along. You downed your drink before standing with the intent to find Molly and fill her in on your awkward encounter, however she was no where to be seen. 

As you wandered through the crowds you started to feel a strange sensation come over you. It started with you not being able to feel your fingers, then your arms, then your face. All over your body felt numb and cold. What was happening to you? Sounds seemed to merge together in your ears, and your vision began to blur. Stars, you had never felt like this, and you certainly had not drunk enough to account for it. Your mind raced to figure out what was happening to you, but thinking was like wading through quicksand. 

Suddenly, you fell, crashing into someone. You tried to mumble apologies, then realised it was Molly. Good! You needed her help now more than ever. She grabbed your face, instantly concerned... "Holy shit, what happened to you?" she exclaims.

Your concentrate hard, trying to form a sentence...

"Michael... drink... help". was all you could get out. She looked at you confused and then took you by the hand, leading you out of the party so she could better hear you. 

"Honey slow down... what are you saying? Stars you're drunk... how did this happen? You were fine last time I saw you!" she flounders as she strokes your hair and straightens your dress, not quite knowing how to take care of you in this state. For the most part, this friendship had worked the other way around.

Suddenly, there was another voice in your head, not from your surroundings.

"What's happening to you? Your thoughts are a jumbled mess."

The voice was deep and loud and super relieving to hear.

"Ben!" you shouted...

"Ben?" repeated Molly. She was now more confused than ever... "Who's Ben?"

"Oh there you are, I've been looking all over!" another familiar voice chimed in. You looked up to see Michael standing over the two of you, a water bottle in one hand.

"I went to get her a drink and when I came back, she was gone." he explained, a smile so sweet on his face it was almost a sneer.

"Oh... thanks Michael," Molly says, taking the water and bringing it to your lips. You try to refuse it. You can't remember why, but you don't trust anything Michael has brought you. "How did she get so drunk? Last I saw she was fine, talking to you in the corner." Molly continues, managing to get you to swallow a good gulp.

"Yeah, I think that was kinda my fault actually. We got talking and I didn't realise how much of that Naboo Iced Tea she was getting through until it was too late. I was gunna get her a drink and walk her home when she must have gone looking for you." He replied, scratching the back of his head.

"No... no..." You protest... this all sounds wrong. That isn't how things were, but you can't remember the truth either, "Ben..." you mumble.

"She keeps saying that... I've never heard of a Ben before..." Molly puzzles.

"Oh yeah, she mentioned him to me earlier. Some old ex of hers. Should have been a sign that she was getting too drunk actually, we really were having a heart to heart when she started to get over emotional. She doesn't drink much does she?" Michael stated. Molly shook her head and was just talking about getting her to the med bay when Michael interrupted...

"No, no Molly, it's fine. It's your party, you have to stay. I was looking after her fine until she wandered. I can take her there on my way home. I have an early shift anyway." offered Michael. After much reluctance Molly gave in. It was her party after all, it would be a bit strange if she disappeared half way through. Besides, she trusted Michael. Who didn't?

You didn't, that's who. Panic rose in your throat as Molly helped you up and wrapped your arm around Michael's shoulders. You tried to form the words but they stuck in your throat like treacle. You tried your best to go limp, become a dead weight that he couldn't drag among, but he simply bent down and swiped your legs out from under you, carrying you like a husband would a bride. It felt all shades of wrong. The taste of fear danced on your tongue and you as he walked away from the party you heard a cold, icy chuckle reverberating from the body carrying you. Fuck. You were fucked.

Suddenly:

'Where are you? I can't get a clear image from you'

That voice permeated through your fear again. It was Ben. It was hope. 

Your mind couldn't find the words to think... hell you didn't know how this worked... could he even hear words you thought? You were not force sensitive like him. You focused on one feeling. Confusion. Maybe then at least he would know you couldn't count on you to give him clues to your whereabouts.

'Do you think he means you harm?'

The question bounced around your head. Even keeping your eyes open was a battle now. The thick tendrils of sleep began to wrap it's way around the still conscious parts of your mind, dragging them to the depth from which they came. Ben... what had he asked? You couldn't remember.

"I said you'd be sorry!" came the voice, cold and menacing from above you. You knew you should have been afraid, but it was like the numbness had reached your mind too now.

'I'm coming for you.' was the last thing you heard before you plunged into total darkness and fell asleep.


	10. What goes around comes around

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have saved Ben from himself. Now it's his turn. Ben tries to find you as Michael seeks revenge for your rejection.
> 
> Trigger warning: Descriptions of assault and a brief panic attack.

Chapter 10

Over the next few minutes you dipped in and out of consciousness. A small boat sailing over a dark and restless sea.

The next thing you were fully aware of was lying on the cold ground in the dark. Some light spilled in from the doorway in front of you. Where the fuck were you? You groaned and tried to move. Your arms and legs felt like cement.

Suddenly, a silhouette appeared in front of the light before you.

"Ben?" you asked, your voice barely there, a hoarse whisper.

Laughter spilled out from the darkness, and suddenly you remembered what had happened.

" Michael, why?" you demanded.

"All these months I have been after you, and you gave me not so much as a passing glance. I've been playing Mr Nice Guy for too long. You just weren't taking the bait. I'm not used to not getting my way." He sneered, taking careful, measured steps towards you. 

Able to move a little now, you sat up slightly and tried to drag yourself backwards on your elbows. Too slow. He easily lunged forwards and closed a steely grip around your ankle.

"In the end I always get what I want," He snarled, slowly crawling over you, creeping his hands up your body until he was straddling your torso, "one way or another."

The gravity of the situation you were in began to sink in. He didn't just mean to get revenge, he meant to hurt you, possibly even assault you. Your strength had not yet returned. What could you do? Panic once again squeezed your heart as he lent his calves on top of your arms, pressing you down with his full weight, immobilising you. His hands, now free from holding you, hooked under the straps of your dress and pulled hard, ripping them from your shoulders, ripping the material like it were made of tissue paper.

'Y/N. Y/N... can you hear me... focus on my voice. Don't panic. I'm close, I can feel it. I just need to know which room.'

"I don't know a room... Ben... help!" You screamed out. Michael cackled again. You felt his warm breath ghost over your bare shoulders, smelt the alcohol on his breath.

"I still don't know who the fuck this little Ben is, but he certainly won't be able to help you now." He replied.

'I think I heard something. Scream for me. Can you do that? Scream with all you've got.'

And then you let rip. You screamed with all your might. Not even words, just noise pouring out of your mouth. Michael jumped at first and then answered in turn by taking his fist and punching you clean across the face. Pain spread across your jaw, and you felt the warm, wet sensation of blood dripping from your lip, but it didn't stop you. If Ben was ever going to find you, then you had to scream for him.

Michael was so busy trying to shut you up that he never noticed the light fade from the door. You quietened immediately, knowing your work was done. 

"That's it. Be a good little girl and shut up for daddy." Ben whispered. In one fluid motion he ripped the slit of your dress right up until it was level with your belly button. You whimpered. "The less fight you give, the quicker this will all be over and you can have a little sleeeeEEEEEE"

Michael was cut off mid word. A strangling noise escaped his throat. You looked up in confusion, darkness still robbing you of any sight. Then you felt the weight of Michael lifting from your form. Your hands tingled painfully as blood began to flow again now the pressure was removed.

"Ben" You cried out, your voice breaking in the silence, but Ben didn't answer. Another strangled cry echoed through the pitch back space before you. Panic gripped you again but for Ben's safety this time, not yours. You couldn't see what was happening.

You scrambled around you until your hand fell onto something your mind recognised as a table. And on top of that, a lamp. You switched it on and blinked in the burning light.

Ben was stood not 2 meters away from you, too focused on the man somehow dangling from his outstretched hand to even notice the change in atmosphere. His eyes were black, It was a sight to behold.

""Men like you make me sick." He spat into Michael's face. "You like to trick yourself into thinking you are powerful by creating situations where you will only ever come out on top. But a fixed match is no competition. You are weak. See how you dangle there now before me. The predator has become the prey."

A shiver ran up your spine. You stared up at them transfixed at the sight before you. He didn't even look like Ben any more... he looked demonic... he looked... well like Kylo Ren.

"I'm sorry... I just meant to scare her a bit... I never would have..." Michael pleaded between strained gasps of air.

"DO NOT LIE TO ME." Bellowed Ben, casting his hand to his left and sending Michael crashing into the wall of the room with a sickening thud. 

A squeak escaped your lips at that. You were shocked by the pure fury vibrating off of the man in front of you. "Ben?" you asked again. He took a few steps towards you and you felt yourself shrinking away from him. You had never been afraid of Ben, but right now you couldn't deny you were afraid of this man in front of you. It was not the man you knew.

He paused at that, quick, panting breaths causing his shoulders to rise and fall like he had run a marathon. His arms visibly shook as he closed his eyes, trying his best to contain the anger he knew was frightening you at this very moment. After what felt like an eternity, his eyes opened again. They were calmer. He looked deep into your eyes and gently whispered your name, shrinking to his knees before you. His face was softer now. He held out his hand and offered it to you, but everything you had been through had already combined within you to become a full blown panic attack. Hysterical sobs bubbled up your throat and out of your mouth without your expressed permission to do so, and your body quivered all over with shock.

"It's ok, shh, shh... I'm going to keep you safe, I promise." Ben uttered as he slowly crept towards you on crouched limb until he was close enough to pass his hand over your face, pushing you back under and into a dreamless sleep. The last thing you felt was the sensation of being lifted once again, but this time to the sounds of Ben's voice whispering to you as he gently retrieved you from a heap on the floor.


	11. High spirits

You awoke in the dim light of a familiar hospital room. You were in Ben's room. In his bed in fact. You felt the space next to you, hoping he would be there. Empty. You looked over to the chair next to the bed. Empty. You looked around the room, and then your eyes fell on him sat, back to you, legs dangling out of the window, staring up at the sunrise. His back was entirely bare. From his broad shoulders down to the waist of his trousers his smooth, porcelain skin was littered with scars. Underneath, muscles carved out the shape of his strong back. Stars, if you weren't feeling so beat up right now you'd have been practically drooling. As it was you were in no state to appreciate the sight of him.

"Ben." You whispered. Your voice breaking into a sob half way through.

He turned, concern on his face, but made no move to come towards you. He searched your face, no doubt looking for any sign that you were still afraid of him. Guilt spiked in your stomach, and you reached a hand out to him to show him you were not afraid.

With that he hopped down from the sill and sat on the edge of the bed, taking your hand in his left and brushing the hair away from your face gently with his right. 

"Stars, you look awful!" He groaned, gently stroking your cheek. It hurt, no doubt bruised and swollen from one of the punches you took to the face.

"Gee thanks. If you're going to carry on like that, you can go back and brood at your window." You replied, but you couldn't keep the glee out of your voice enough to pull off the sass. You were just so touched that he cared. You cleared your throat and broke the silence again, "What were you thinking about?" you asked as you pulled him so that he had to lie on the bed next to you.

"Nothing" he answered at first. You remained silent, giving him the message that you were dissatisfied with that answer.

"I'm just sorry you had to see that," he spoke into your shoulder as he leaned in to hold you. "All I can see is your terrified expression looking up at me. I was just so afraid that I wouldn't find you in time. And then when I saw him there, looming over you with that fucking laugh... I..." His voice had started to raise. He paused and took a moment to close his eyes. When he spoke again it was with his eyes still closed and nothing more than a whisper, "I just couldn't control myself. I never can. I'm a monster...", the last bit coming out quiet and low. You could hear the self hatred in his voice. "I never cared what anyone thought of me before, but the thought of you knowing what I truly am... I'm ashamed."

"Woah. No. Stop. He is the monster." You replied, taking his face in your hands. His eyes now open you turned his head, forcing him to meet your gaze. "He did this. You saved me and I thank you for it."

"And then some. Too much. I always feel... too much." Ben whimpers, turning and lying on his back with his hand thrown over his face.

The image of Michael being thrown across the room and into the wall replayed in your head. The sickening crunch echoing in your ears.

"Is he dead?" You ask in little more than a whisper. 

Ben looked at you, a curious look on his face. It was a little odd, you supposed, asking after the welfare of your attacker.

"Which answer would make you feel better?" He replied, looking you in the eye, a sober expression on his face, a trace of fear dancing in his eyes.

You honestly didn't know. You knew that the longer you took to answer, the more evidence you gave him that you could believe him a monster after all, but you just couldn't honestly decide what would be worse.

After what felt like an eternity, he scoffed and got up from the bed. "He's alive, but pretty messed up. Just like you I guess. I felt his mind wake up a moment ago and he's being seen to in the Northern medical wing." he told you, as he reached into a draw and pulled out a sleeveless shirt and pulled it on. "I'm gunna go work out. Stay as long as you want. Use the shower, whatever you need. I've bathed your wounds, but I suggest you ought to get them seen to by a doctor soon. I only know short term battle field fixes." He stated measuredly. You'd hurt his feelings. Shit. As he left, you tried to call out to him, but a bigger part of your mind made you stop, telling you it would be good for him to blow off some steam alone.

Swinging your legs over the side of the bed, your stretched out your upper body. Fuck, your arms were killing you. Looking down for any evidence of bruising you realised that you were in one of Ben's T-shirts. The thing was huge on you. You peeked underneath and realised that you were still in your ripped number below. He hadn't stripped you completely then, just put it over you to preserve your modesty. The dress was slinky to start with, now it left little to the imagination at all. You giggled slightly at the thought of him trying to get his shirt onto your sleeping form whilst trying to keep the dress on. That must have been quite a faff!

You picked up what looked like a clean towel and then made your way into the shower to wash away the previous night. You walked in, turned on the light and had a mini heart attack. Ben had been right. Your face was a mess. Your lip had obviously been split on the bottom left side. It had been cleaned and had formed a scab well enough, but it looked like the slightest pressure could cause it to split. That was the least of your facial worries! Your jaw and cheek bones were swollen and bruised and your eyes were still swollen from tears and little sleep. Fuck you looked a mess. Sighing dejectedly you hopped into the shower and tried to wash the worst of the dried blood and last night's make up away.

Having showered and thrown your hair up you wrapped yourself tighter in the towel and went searching for something to wear. Gingerly you wandered over to the wardrobe and opened the door. You were met by a sea of black, naturally. This was fine with you, you were often found in all black yourself as a candle to you awkward goth days. flicking through the choices you puled out a simple plain black Tee and a pair of basket ball shorts. You hung them on the door and stared at them for a moment. Was this ok? To wear Ben's clothes so casually without asking? Biting your lip, you decided you would have to. After all, he had said to use anything you needed, and you couldn't wear your dress in the state that it was in, could you.

Having put them on you looked yourself over in the mirror and a small chuckle erupted from you. This T-shirt would no doubt be tight to Ben's form, but on you it was like a short dress. He really was a giant. The shorts were ridiculous. You had to roll them over the waist band several times to make them at all an acceptable length, but even then you looked like a child wearing an adult's clothing. Looking back into his wardrobe you found a pair of tight fitting work out leggings. They were quite popular amongst exercise enthusiasts. Everyone is issued a pair on arrival, but you couldn't much imagine Ben wearing them. Perhaps they would do as a kind of legging. You tried them on being careful to replace the discarded shorts back where you found them. The leggings were a bit loose around the top but were otherwise fine. Putting on a pair of Ben's socks you took one last look at yourself. You looked surprisingly ok for wearing nothing your size. You fluffed out the top which had become slightly tangled into your leggings. This wafted the scent of Ben up into your face. Stars he smelled good. You'd never really noticed before. Like charred wood and something sweet underneath, like vanilla. Again, you pressed this thought down. Not the time or the place. And with that you stalked out of his room and down to the East wing gym where you knew he would be.

As you arrived, you saw that he had opted for boxing rather than his typical saber driven styles of combat. Interesting. That was more your style. He hadn't even noticed you come in, or so you thought. Without breaking his stride, he addressed you.

"Have you been to the medical unit yet?"

"No." You replied, like a moody teen. "You know, your left side has far worse form than your right. You ought to sort that out." You continued, changing the subject as swiftly as possible, circling to be in his eye line. Stars he looked so powerful. You bit your lip, watching his muscles glisten as he worked.

Ben chuckled. "Is that so?" He replied, stopping long enough to re-steady the punching bag and wipe some sweat dampened hair out of his face. Then he hung onto the bag and stared at you, amusement in his eyes. Fuck he was beautiful.

"Would you train me in physical combat?" You asked. Jeez, where had that come from? You had no idea until now that that was going to come out of your mouth. He looked back at you, as shocked as you were.

"Er... maybe... but not today aye? You are still pretty fragile." he replied.

"Ah come on... I'm desperate to hit something after last night. and Besides, it might make me feel powerful enough to get over this. If I do something then I'm not just sitting around doing nothing and thinking about it all." you replied honestly, a somber look crawling over your face. After much back and forth he had to concede. You were far to persistent. After a long morning of training for both of you, you conceded that you did need to rest, but had him agree to train with you at least 4 times a week. You were desperate to be as good of a fighter as he was, even if only half as powerful. You went back to your apartment and found Felix in surprisingly high spirits. However, a small voice in your head warned you that you were not facing your true emotions of the night before. That could have serious repercussions. Sighing, you drew yourself a too hot bath to soak your sore muscles in. As you lay back and kneaded the knots out of your body, you thought again about the way Ben had looked when demonstrating moves to you. The strength and power he held in his form were just so hard to ignore. You had never been attracted to the 'manly man' so to speak, but it was different with Ben. The mixture of his powerful body and interesting, intellectual mind just did things to your body you couldn't control. You wondered when the way you thought of him had changed from irritation to attraction. You couldn't really pin point a moment. Suddenly you shivered. The bath had begun to cool, breaking your train of thought. On getting out of the bath, you dried off and decided to put Ben's shirt back on to sleep in. You knew the scent of him would lull you into a sound enough sleep. Just as you closed your eyes in bed and began to drift off, you could have sworn you heard his voice in your head wishing you goodnight, but you couldn't be certain if it was real or your imagination. 


	12. Chapter 12

The next morning you were awoken with a start to the sound of someone banging on your door. Somehow terrified, it took you a few moments to collect yourself and convince yourself it was not some attacker coming for you. You had been far more jumpy as of late, but you supposed that was to be expected.

You opened the door and were met with the General herself.

"Stars, he said it was bad, but I didn't think it would be like this..." she murmured, pushing past you and into your living quarters. 'Jeez, come it why don't you?' You thought. A clear error if you had been more awake to spot it.

"Sorry Y/N but we have much to discuss. Can I make you a tea or anything? Some breakfast?" she replied directly to you thought with a smile.

"Shit. Sorry. You'd think I'd be more careful with my thoughts now I'm hanging out with Force users so often." You offered as a weak apology. 

"Often aye? He left that detail out." She smirked. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Ben would kill you.

"Oh relax. He is my son after all. I have always been able to read him like a book. He likes you. A lot." she exclaimed, handing you your tea exactly how you liked it, naturally.

"He does?" you enquired, kicking yourself immediately for sounding like a school girl.

Leia smiled again in response. "Let's just say him and I weren't exactly on speaking terms before I left. The fact that he sought me out to discuss what was to be done about your attack can only mean he values your personal needs over his own."

You nodded. This news would take some thought later, but now there was work to do. With that, Leia pulled out some official looking voice recorders and notebooks and began asking you what you assumed were standard questions. You were truthful up until the point of Ben's entry. You said that Ben pulled Michael off of you. When she pressed for more detail there you told her it was dark and you couldn't see what happened. It wasn't exactly a lie. That was the way it had been at first. You were unsure how much trouble the truth may get him in. Leia looked at you worriedly but pressed no further questions on the matter, instead opting to to move on. By the end it was almost lunch time. You had cried 3 times, shouted countless and were a total mess of a human being.

"Well, I think that's all we're going to need Y/N. It sounds like a pretty open and shut case to me." she stated, closing her book and turning off the recorder. Turning to you she rubbed your shoulder. "You've been through a lot. I'm ordering another week of time off work for you." she said, matter of factly. You went to protest but knew it was no use, her mind was made up on the matter. She stood and readied her things to go, then suddenly stood with something in her hand. "Oh, I almost forgot, Ben asked me to give you this, said it may make you feel better to have a quick way of communicating with someone in case of emergency." she stated, handing you the comm link with a wink. You said your goodbyes and she left, leaving you standing in your living space staring at the small bit of metal in your hand. 

After a minute, it started to glow blue. fiddling with the unfamiliar device you eventually managed to insert it and pressed answer.

"Er... hello?"

"Hey. My mother is gone I take it?" replied that deep, baritone voice. Something in your stomach twisted at hearing him again.

"Yes. Where are you? I was thinking of training today if you're up for it?" You told yourself it was to get out of the house,to forget the harrowing things you had just relived talking to Leia. Truth be told you knew you were just desperate to see him again. His presence made your very soul shine.

"I'm in the East wing gym as we speak. Come join me whenever." He replied.

Over the next few weeks you trained hard with Ben. Every day for your week off, and then most nights when you were back at work. You began eating meals with him afterwards in his room on a regular basis (it wasn't really a hospital room any more, it was just 'Ben's room' now.) and sometimes using the shower there. For the most part, the two of you were building a great friendship together. However, sometimes there would be moments where you would look up at him and find him already staring at you. In these moments you would find your skin burning under his gaze, the silence thrumming in your ears. His stare was intense, like he was looking into your very soul. Then he would smile and make some kind of sarcastic quip, and just like that the moment was over, purposefully forgotten by you both. Until you were alone that is, when he would become all you could think about. You spent many nights waking in the early hours with a start having had an over sexual dream featuring him. Sometimes you even found yourself whispering him name in the heat of your steamier self-loving sessions. You had never been this attracted to someone, and the vulnerability of it made you feel like a teenage girl again, confused and a stranger to your own emotions and desires.


	13. Sleepless Again

Chapter 13

You awoke to the sound of your name being whispered in your ear. You would recognise that voice anywhere. Somewhere you know that it can't be real. You were in a bed you didn't recognise, lying next to a man you were not in an established relationship with. Somehow though, none of this worried you. The atmosphere was relaxed and calm. 

He whispered it again. His deep voice reverberated through you, causing a vibrating sensation to ignite in the pit of your stomach. You smiled into the pillow and sighed.

"What?" You reply sleepily.

"Oh, I'm sorry, where you sleeping?" he asks. You feel large, warm fingers tracing across your bare (bare?) shoulder and brushing the hair from your neck.

"Well not anymore." you quip, barely able to focus on remaining sarcastic as you feel his lips connect with the delicate skin just below your ear.

"Well now I feel guilty." he pauses to nip gently at your neck. The unexpected feeling of his teeth scraping at your skin makes you shudder. You feel him smile against you before he continues, "What could I possibly do to make it up to you?". 

You turn, facing him now. "Hmmm, well let's see..." but before you can continue, his lips are on yours. You remember this feeling. Heat rises in you again, like the last time you remember kissing him. However this time, it is intense from the start. He dominates the kiss, hands puling you into him in an embrace. Your hands come into contact with his burning, naked chest as he envelops you with his strong arms. He is utterly solid under your touch, but yet still soft and heat radiates from him. Any coldness you felt before is banished from your body as he warms you inside and out with his embrace. His hands trace up and down your back either side of your spine, giving just the right amount of pressure to illicit a moan from deep within you as you melt into his kiss. 

He breaks way from you for just long enough to look you in the eye before casting his sight down and over your naked form. "Fuck!" he swears, then looks into your eyes again, "You are so beautiful." You feel your cheeks blush in response. He smiles, and then he cups your face with one of his oversized hands before kissing you slower but deeper this time, moving his mouth in time with yours. You can feel all of his sincerity and love pouring into you. You can't tell if he is projecting on purpose or if he is just naturally doing so. Either way it gives you the confidence to boldly slip your hands up his chest and over his shoulders, tangling in his midnight hair. You wiggle even closer until you feel your body pressing up against him. Now it was his turn to moan out loud as he feels your breasts press against him You feel a pulsing against you thigh and smile knowingly at the effect you are having on his body. It makes you feel powerful in a different way than he is.

You feel his hands wander around your body to cup your breasts, moaning again into your neck which he is now peppering with kisses. You have never been so worked up in your life. You squirm, desperate for some kind of friction between your legs to ease the tension growing there. 

"What's the matter... need something?" he smirks, locking eyes with you. Somehow he is in more control than you are. You can tell he wants you to say it, out loud. To ask him to touch you. You are too worked up to be embarrassed.

"Please Ben. I need you to touch me." You say in a hushed voice, picking up one of his hands and pulling it under the covers and towards your aching clit. Your boldness rewards you with a smouldering look from him, lust now turning to ravenous hunger, for your body or to please you, you can't tell which. He rolls you over onto your back and moves down your body, kissing a slow trail on his decent. When his mouth is just above your belly button, his hands begin to explore your folds below. You cry out, hands flying into his hair. Stars this was bliss. Electricity jolts through you as he finds your sweet spot and draws circles lazily around it. After a few moments he looks up at you.

"You are a goddess!" he whispers incredulously before moving downwards and sucking on your clit whilst his finger plunges inside you. The noise you make is almost unrecognisable to you. You have no time to blush because the pleasure is breaking over your entire body in waves, getting stronger and stronger and leading to a great crescendo. His tongue, artfully switching between pointed and flat strokes is drawing all your concentration. His fingers, two now, are stretching you our and plunging in and curling until he finds that spot within you that makes you rip apart at the seams. All you can do is hang on to his hair as you ride the crest of your orgasm that seems to last both forever and not long enough. When you come back down to earth, you feel him lift his weight up and over your body until he is lying right next to you looking mighty pleased with himself.

"You seem pretty happy." He comments, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand and brushing his hair out of his face.

"Hmmm, I wonder why." You reply, a smile permanently on your face, leaning up on your elbow and rolling until you are straddling him. "Now it's time to make you happy too." you whisper as you rub your already wet pussy along his already impressively hard length.

Suddenly, all the cockiness drains from his face. "Er, no it's alright... I... Ah fuck... no. Stop. I mean I'm happy to have just satisfied you." 

You stop and look at him. He suddenly looks like a scared teenager and all his confidence is gone. "What's wrong?" You ask him, now concerned, and for the first time self conscious since this all began.

"It's just.. I'm... I haven't..." he stumbled over the words for a moment and then fell into silence before looking you in the eyes and stating in an angry voice "Wake up."

"What?"

"Wake up!"

\-----------

Your eyes fly open and the first thing you notice is the sensation of Felix nudging you on the hand. Fuck, what just happened?

You sat up and rubbed your eyes. Stars you really needed to get laid. These dreams needed to stop. You reached for your data padd and found that it was later than you had intended to wake. Shit, you were meant to be meeting...

"Molly, hey!" You answered your call as you jumped out of bed and started to pull on some clothes for the day.

"Yo, where are you? I've ordered your favourite drink but it's starting to get cold. We did say 10, right?" she enquired.

"Yeah, yeah, be there in 5." you exclaimed, and with that you hung up, grabbed your bag and ran out the door, taking the time to feed Felix on the way out.


	14. Discovery

Chapter 14

"Well hey stranger. You look a lot better!" Molly chimes, gesturing to her face. She is referring to the fact that your bruising is now faded and your lip nearly healed. She has been extra attentive since your attack, no doubt feeling guilty for sending you away with Michael regardless of how many times you have told her she wasn't to know what he was really like.

"Er yeah. Almost back to normal. Look, I'm sorry I'm late. Overslept!" You offer as an explanation. No need to let her in on what you were actually doing.

"Oh don't worry, it's fine. I've caught up on some important reading." She replies. "So what have you been up to then? I've barely sen you you're always busy and... oh my god, you had sex!!" She interrupts herself and stares at you incredulously.

"What? No... I... how did you?... er." You were ill equipt to deal with the sudden revelation.

"Your hair is a mess at the back!" she exclaims, reaching forward and raking through your hair at the back. Fuck, you didn't have time to brush through it before you left in your tardiness, "That and the super satisfied look in your eyes! They're all sparkly and happy!" she geers, pinching your cheek which you pull away from bashfully.

Smiling at your silence, which is confirmation in her eyes, she continues, "So who is he?"

You take a moment to consider how much you can say... then realise that she has no idea that Ben is the name of the former Kylo Ren. You can say pretty much whatever you like and she would never guess. Who would believe that you, a reclused nobody, are chasing after the prince of darkness?

"Ben." she squeals in reply, and before she can explode with questions you continue, "but it's all very new and non-descript as of yet. Not official, not much at all. Just...

"Just sex? Ooh, you naughty thing!" Molly chides in a mocking voice. She is fucking loving this.

"Well no, not even that really. We've done some stuff, but he never lets it get to actual...well sex in the traditional sense. It's weird really." You reply. So apparently you are talking about dreams like they are real now. To be fair, you realise you hadn't believed they were anything other than real anyway. How does that even work? Was it a force thing? You weren't sure, and you weren't exactly about to take the chance in asking Ben about it.

"Hmm... odd!" Molly muses. She sips at her coffee for a moment and then offers some insight from her vast library of knowledge n all things sexual.

"I did have a situation like that actually when I was studying a few years ago. I met this man, Lucian I think he was called... or was it Greg? Too may names. Anyway, yes, he always stopped me at what some might call the crucial point... turns out he was just scared he would under perform. He was still a virgin." Her words hit me like a train. Of course. Of fucking course. That explains it. That explains everything. Jedi to Knight of Ren... neither well known for their active sex-lives... When did he ever have the chance to... he hasn't has he? Somehow the most gorgeous man in the universe has never been fucked.

"Of course it didn't remain that way for long. Once I found out, that is." Molly sighs, obviously reliving some sordid memory, "It was a good year. There were lots like him at college. Taking virginities is the best, it's nice to be in control."

And with that you have your answer on what you must do. You must take control. You stand abruptly, making your excuses and Molly smiles knowingly. "Go get him tiger! And then come and tell me all about it!" she exclaims, giving you a wink as you turn to go back to your apartment.

Much primping and preening later and you are finally a picture of confidence and feminine beauty. You look at yourself in the mirror and swallow hard. This is not what you are used to. You have on a midi cut off work out top and form fitting work out leggings. Your hair, usually pulled back into a messy bun, is now cascading down the sides of your face in soft waves. Your face is made up but to look natural. Your skin glows with the various scented oils you have rubbed and buffed into your skin. You supposed this was the best you would get. A coil of doubt curled around your stomach. What if the dreams were simply a creation of your own. What if this wasn't what you wanted. You brushed your hair over your left shoulder and traced your neck where he had kissed you last night in the dream, self doubt now filling every part of you. You were not made to play the seductress. Suddenly you realised a mark just below your jaw. You move in closer to the mirror ad try and wipe it away, but it stays. A small, purplish bruise. But that looks like...

Your mind races back to him peppering kisses along your neck, and then suddenly, without warning, you feel his teeth and a light sucking sensation. Ben has given you a love bite. Whilst this amuses you, reminding you of angsty teenage years, it also provides you with something important. A drop of evidence to prove that this is all real. 

Grabbing your work out bag, you finalise your decision. Tonight you confront Ben about all this. Tonight decides the future of your relationship with Ben Solo.


	15. Chapter 15 - Wanted

Chapter 15

Your heart is pounding even before you enter the gym. You know he is there, you can hear the gently thudding of weights coming into contact with other weights as he lifts and slowly lowers them on the machines. His pace is relentless. He never let's up at the best of times, having been trained by the best. Trained to be a soldier, a machine for the first order; but recently he has been even more relentless. He hasn't yet been able to forgive himself for giving in to weakness over Michael. He hasn't put to rest that he nearly killed him and that you were so afraid. He still thinks of himself as a monster. Was he? No. You couldn't think of him that way. monsters don't lay in bed crying themselves to sleep over the past. Monsters don't grieve their losses. Monsters don't feel, and if you knew only one thing about Ben solo, it was that he felt all too much.

You've been standing here for over 20 minutes now, hand on the door handle frozen in place.

You finally make up your mind and push the door only to have it wrenched away from you with a much stronger force.

"Oh hey, I was wondering when you would arrive. Been busy today?" he asks pushing past you to grab a drink from the machine opposite the gym in the cooridoor.

"Er... Yeah, something like that, yeah." you reply. Your eyes travel the long distance from his toes to his head. His skin is covered in a light sheen of perspiration. You had never understood why a sweaty aesthetic was considered sexy until now. Your stomach dropped as his muscles danced beneath his shining skin with his movements. Now that you had accepted the way you felt and decided to act, you had no where to hide your body's true responses to him. Your thoughts were erratic at best and you certainly were going to find it hard to concentrate on working out for any length of time... Fuck. You were fucked. Why didn't you come up with a more solid plan?

You suddenly realised Ben was staring at you over the end of his raised water bottle. Fuck... Was he listening? You had no idea. 

"Everything alright?" He asked carefully, "You seem... " He trailed off, unable to put a finger on what was going on with you... Good... Not listening then.

"Yeah, yeah. Just tired." You offered... Worst... Excuse... Ever.

"We don't have to do this now." He replied. What? Did he know what you were going to do? Did he not want you to make a move? Did you want to anyway? Fuck. This is hard.

"What?" You offer, a bag of nerves.

"Work out. We can skip today if you'd like. If you are tired." he was getting a little impatient with you now. You could sense it in his tone. You must have seemed like a bumbling fool. How enfuriating. How could you gain control here? That was what you were after wasn't it?

You had an idea.

"Yeah. Actually, tell you what, can we go somewhere else?" You asked.

"Sure. Back to my rom? I've got some stuff we can have for dinner if you're up for staying?" he bagan.

"No." , it comes out of your mouth harder than you mean. Panic perhaps that you might not say it at all and loose this moment of boldness. Ben looks a little taken aback, is that rejection you see crossing his features?, "I mean, let's go to a new place. Somewhere we haven't been before."

"Er... Okay... Where?" he answers, uncertainty tingling his voice. To your knowledge the only time he has left the security of the East Wing is to save you and to chase up his mother afterwards to find out what the hell she was gunna do about your... Situation.

"Don't worry, no where with people. I'm thinking outside of the base. No one ever goes out there, they're all too busy or too scared of an attack." you offered, your voice suddenly full of your returned confidence. Your resolve had waived for a moment, but now you were more certain of yourself than ever.

His eyes bored into you, no doubt trying to figure out what the hell you were thinking. Intense hazel eyes staring into your own. In that moment you felt like he wanted to know everything about you. Every thought you ever had, every dream, every desire. But you were NOT ready for him to know that yet. All would be revealed. 

Instead, you concentrated all of your mental energy on thinking the lyrics to the most annoying song you could think of. He raised an eyebrow at you quizotically. Your body responded by flipping your stomach in a somersault. You quite honestly had to bite your lip from audibly gasping as a shiver of pleasure shot from the pit of your stomach and straight to your underwear, soaking them instantly. Did he have any idea how fucking sexy he looked when he did that? Cocky yet utterly sinful. How on earth had you lasted this long without making a complete fool of yourself?

"I can't even imagine what you are up to, but I'll admit, I'm curious enough to bite." He offered slowly, looking defeated. Was it really so hard for him to give over control to you in this small thing? Your plans may be slightly harder to pull of than you first thought.

________

 

"Come on slow poke, it's just through these trees!" You called back. It had been a good 30 minute hike out into the dense vegetation of the planet. He had moaned almost the whole way even though you knew with his long legs this was nothing to him. He simply had not liked not knowing where you were leading him. To his credit he had followed you anyway. Now for the reward a corner of your mind thought wickedly, but you silenced it immediately, desperate to keep your intentions from him for a little longer.

"I like the sound of that!" he called as he ducked under the last tree to find you standing on an outcrop of rock in front of what can only be described as a sheer drop.

"Why the fuck are we here y/n?" he asks, annoyance cutting his syllables a little short.

"Always so impatient that you forget to look." You reply, holding your hand out to him and pulling him towards the edge. He could have resisted you easily with his nearly two meter, well built frame. He didn't. Your stomach flipped again as he joined you on the small rock edge. Heat was rolling off of him, you could feel how close he was. Just a few inches and your body would be against his. Not yet. you thought, hoping he wasn't listening. You chanced a glance up at him and saw he was totally entranced, eyes straight ahead at the view.

"Fuck..."

You smiled at how speechless he was. you had been the same the first time you came here. Reluctantly you ripped your eyes away from his face and cast your own eyes out across the land in front of you. The cliff edge gave way to a crystal blue lagoon; An oasis in the tropical climate surrounding it. The near by vegetation was a shade of green you were sure you had never seen. everything looked plush and plump and oh so alive. It made it feel like no one had ever been here. People had not touched a blade of grass in this place. Nothing existed except nature. The war had not touched it. It was unscared by The Order, The Resistance, any of it. It was this world as it was supsed to be, and it was utterly breathtaking.

"You can say that again." He responded directly to your thoughts as though you had said them aloud. Maybe it was like you did to him. He had gotten far better at reading your mind the more time you spent with him. Muscle memory he had called it.

"I didn't think places like this existed any more until I found it." you whispered to him. He nodded 

"Thank you. I needed this." he replied solomley. He seems so vulnerable that your heart aches for him. You suddenly feel the urge to reach out to him, to hold him and kiss him and tell him everything is alright.

"I know." You say, settling for gently closing the gap between you and taking his hand in yours, never once turning to look his way. You stand there, staring out into the water for what feels like forever waiting to feel his reaction to your gesture. He is frozen for a good while, then he audibly breathes out and squeezes his previously frozen hand around yours, interlocking your fingers firmly between his. Your heart burst into a sprinting pace as you squeeze his back firmly. Your hand felt so small with his large, strong one wrapped around it.

The two of you stood there watching the sunset without moving or talking for a good 20 minutes. Neither of you looked away, neither of you said a word, and neither of you let go. When the sun had gone down he felt you shiver next to him. He asked if you wanted to go home and you told him no. He nodded and dropped your hand, walking off into the woods telling you to stay there. When he returned he had an arm full of sticks and twigs which you watched him arrange without hesitation. He was well practiced at fire building from missions you asumed. When he was satisfied with the build, he waved his hand above and the wood burst into flames at the meer suggestion of his touch. You had to admit you were impressed. He lay back then and stretched out, one long, powerful leg slightly over the ther, and put his hands behind his head as a kind of pillow. You watched him for a moment, taking in how serene he seemed out here, away from the base and his troubles. After a while he looked up, searching for you. You took that as your cue and joined him, laying down beside him and resting your head on his shoulder. Again, at first he froze, unsure how to react to your sudden and bold closeness. You pretended not to notice and soon he relaxed again. You could have sworn he even leant his head closer to yours. Yes, and there he went again, nuzzling into you. You felt the tip of his nose rub against the top of your head.

"Stars you smell good!" He exclaimed, inhaling the scent of your hair. You felt you face flush and was glad for the near darkness you were currently residing in. You wiggled into him a little closer until your whole side was in contact with his searing warmth. The fire may as well not exist in his presence. He sighed, contented and dropped one arm down from behind his head and around you, resting on your shoulder. Smooth move Solo, smooth move, you thought to yourself. 

The two of you talked for hours about everything, nothing and laughed until he actually snorted over some story or other. You had never heard a sound so beautiful as his deep, baratone laughter echoing out of his chest. And then, when the laughter and the stories ran dry, there was silence for a bit. But it was comfortable, just like the two of you settled in amongst one another. You were so contented you almost forgot your purpose for bringing him there at all. That is until...

"Why did you bring me here?" He spoke seriously into the darkness.

"What do you mean?" You respond carefully, a little afraid that you had misjudge his pleasent mood.

"I have never spent an evening like this... With anyone. I just wondered why you thought to do it?" He answers, taking care to soften his tone as if to calm the spike of anxiety he senses in you.

You thought long and hard for a moment. You were so certain you wanted to tell him how you felt, but you never even considered how to actually tell him. All words you had ever learnt completely disappeared from your memory. Your mouth went dry and your mind blank as a small furrow appeared between your brows. Your mind couldn't help thinking back to how this all began. You thought of that first night you saw him. He had looked a different man then. Frail and pail and not an ounce of care for anyone or anything, including himself. You remembered that pang of something you felt for him in that moment. Un-namable desire to know him. Then you remembered the times in the hospital room. The laughs and the arguments. The nights you stayed. The kiss surfaced in your memory next. It was so treasured in your mind that it felt like it was really happening now. Your body responded in kind, setting your nerves alight ang giving you that familiar twist in the depth of your stomach. Desire continued to ravage through you as you remembered the dreams (just dreams?) of yours he starred in. The way you had imagined telling him again and again the way that you felt about him since the dream last night. The way you wanted to just plunge your hands back into his obsidian hair and pull his face into yours. To feel his lips scorch a path across your skin and set you on fire... 

Perhaps you didn't need to find the words a all.

You rolled onto your side gingerly and looked up at him, peeking through your lashes like some kind of school girl sneaking a glance at a crush.

Nothing could have prepared you for the vision before you. He had leaned up onto his elbow. His face was staring down at you. His eyes entrapped yours. His pupils were blown so wide that his eyes were completely black. Was that anger or lust... Or both, you couldn't tell. His body was solid and unmoving, giving nothing away. Your body reacted in a totally unexpected way to that. Stomach dropping, a jolt of electricity snaked out frown the centre of you to every edge. Desire pooled in your loins, and you were suddenly very aware of how empty you felt. Your warm, wet desire cried out to be touched, and you found yourself clenching your thighs together in the hopes of giving yourself any kind of pressure there. Your toes curled and flexed as they always did when you were turned on, it was your tell previous lovers had told you, though you couldn't even remember their names. All you could think of was Ben. Had anyone made you feel like this with only a stare? You thought not.

"Ben... Please." You managed to get out, reaching a hand out for him, beckoning him nearer. There was a moment when you thoguth he wasn't going to move. That he was going to make you say it, out loud. You started to try again to form the words, when suddenly he was there, right next to you. Dangerously close. His breath washed over your neck. He smelled of the fire, of fresh air and of something faintly sweet. You drew a hand up starting at his arm, moving to his shoulder and then ghosting over his neck. He leaned his forehead into yours and let out a shakey breath as you scrapped your nails into his hair and over his scalp. You lay suspended there for an eternity. You had never wanted someone so much in your life, and he could feel it. The tension in your chest was winding tighter, about to snap.You wondered who would break first. Who would cave in and kiss the other. As soon as you internally asked the question he closed the gap. 

His lips were silk. 

Your entire body jolted into life. Your arms wrapped around his neck and you pulled yourself flush with him as you fought back at him with equal force. One of his hands instinctively found it's grip on your hip, his thumb and top two fingers digging into your naked skin as he pulled you into him even harder. Your thigh made contact between his legs and he audibly growled into your mouth as you felt his hardness pulse against you in response to your touch. That gave you a kick, feeling his natural response to you. He wanted you as much as you did him. You sucked his bottom lip into your mouth to give it a gentle nip. Not enough to draw blood, just enough to remind him who was in charge here. He smiled against your mouth, and a small scoff came out... 

"Oh I'm not so sure about that" He remarks, rolling you onto your back and smothering you with his large form. Just enough pressure to pin you gently to the floor, not so much that he would hurt you. He smirked down at you wickedly.

"Is this what you wanted all along?" he asks, not waiting for you reply before he leans down and sinks his teeth carefully into you neck, finding the same place he marked you in the 'dream'. You can't help but moan, grabbing fist fulls of his hair as he finds that same, sensitive spot and releases hell on it with his mouth. 

"You have no idea how long I have wanted this!" You manage to say, though your voice breaks as his right hand travels down your body and grabs at your breast through your thin work out top. Again, the pressure is perfect. Not tickling, not hurting. Pure and utter bliss. 

Ben replies by returning his lips to yours and pulling you into another kiss, deeper, hungrier than before. You could honestly have just this, only kissing Ben for the rest of your days and die feeling you had lived a full life.

All too soon he pulls back from you and stares again. You feel that want for him double within you, one of your hands traveling down from behind his neck and scraping up and down his chest, causing him to shudder above you. Can he feel how much you burn for him? How badly you want him right now?

"Would you say it... Out loud?... Please?" he whispers. He sounds so timid and unsure that it makes you feel that twinge of protectiveness again. You look directly into his needy eyes.

"I want you Ben... I have wanted you for a long time."

A smile creeps across his face. Where once you saw uncertainty, you see pride. Pride that he could make you feel that for him. He leans down and places his mouth dangerously close to your ear. He speaks directly into it, voice quiet and low. Almost too low to hear.

"You have no idea what you do to me, y/n."

"I have a good enough idea." you retort, trailing a hand down his front and ghosting across his concealed erection. The shock of it pulls a deep, gutteral grunt from within him as he instinctively thrusts his hips forward to chase your already disappeared touch.

 

"Fuck. I need to see you, touch you. Please y/n." The request is sweetly phrased. He is asking your permission, even though his fingers already dip beneath the hem of your work out top. You respond by pushing lightly against his chest, causing him to sit up. You do the same, turning to face him. He scooches back and leans against the tree you had been lying under.

You feel nervousness seeping in at the edges as you move to strip. All those past demons everyone carries. What if he doesn't like my body? What if I'm ugly? But you have come too far to listen. Slowly you reveal yourself to him. First your top, then your leggings, until you are totally bare before him. He had sat the whole time, barely moving, eyes boring into you. You stood there, swinging your arms awkwardly. Was he going to say anything?

"You are perfection incarnate." Ben states, somehow reaching a deeper tone with his voice. Electricity jolts through you again and you squirm in his gaze, suddenly desperate to see him too. To touch him, skin on skin. He nods to your unspoken request and stands to disrobe. First his shirt, then his trousers. He pauses before removing his underwear, frozen on the spot. If you had doubted that he was indeed a virgin until now, this resolidified your thoughts. Ben was scared because you were likely the first person who would see him totally nude.

Shame crossed his features. He had heard you. No denial came. So it was as you had suspected. He dropped his gaze to the floor, refusing to look up at you. You went to him and placed both hands on his face, forcing him to meet your gaze. 

"Hey. Don't you dare do that to this moment. There is no shame here. What is about to happen will only be beautiful. I do not want you any less." You paused and let that sink in. His eyes softened, "In fact... If anything, it makes me want you a little more." You confessed, blushing. It was true though. The thought of being the first person to ever fuck this beautiful model of a man filled you with a sick satisfaction. It was like you owned him more than anyone ever could. A part of you that you had never really noted before reveled in that thought.

And that was the line that broke the spell. Hands closing around your waist, pulling you in to meet him; lips meeting lips; breasts flush against his God like torso. Your fingers found their way into his underwear and raked them down in one swift move without even breaking the kiss. His cock sprang forth and landed flush against your abdomen. Stars was it more than you bargained for. You felt him smile against your mouth at that. Was that relief or arrogance? You didn't have time to tell. You measured it's length with your fingers starting by gently tracing from base to tip. Ben let out the most delicious sound and pushed his forehead against yours, unable to maintain a kiss with this new sensation. As you gripped tighter and ran your hand up and down his length causing a string of expletives in several languages to fall out of his mouth, his hands roaming your body with no real agenda other than to learn as much of your form as they could.

"Jesus Christ... I'm not going to last long if it already feels this good." he exclaimed, pleasure pushing out all chance of shame taking hold of him again.

"Whatever happens happens. We have all night." you winked. The last thing you wanted him to feel was pressure.

His hands dipped down to your hips again. Looking you directly in the eye, his fingers traced down until he found that spot at the apex of your thighs. That spot that had been crying out for attentions since before this all began. He breathes the question... "Am I doing this right?" as he slowly begins to rub you in a circular motion.

"Oh... Yes just like that." You respond, almost like you were coaching him through. His remaining hand winds aroundy you steadying you as he continues to explore your folds, taking note of what makes you respond in the way he wants. He was studying you. Learning you. Was he stocking up on information for a later date? The thought of this being more than a one time thing made you buzz with anticipation. Without warning, a finger delves inside of you, causing you to moan against his neck. He is pumping slowly in and out of you with a finger whilst crushing the base of his palm into your clit. The combined effect is dizzying. How can he possibly be this good off the bat? You supposed being able to read your mind had a part to play. He snigger somewhere above you. You open your mouth to protest at his 'cheating, but all that comes out are more debauched sounds. Your mind begins to cloud over with your building orgasm all to quickly, and you halt his hand, much to your body's distress. You couldn't loose sight of the goal just yet. Tonight was about him. This was his experience. 

Leading him back to beneath the tree where the blanket lay you indicated for him to sit and lean against the humongous trunk. Though somewhat doubtful, he obliged without hesitation. Straddling him, you carefully seated yourself so one knee was either side of his eager erection. Your wetness ghosted over the tip, and he whined (actually whined!) for you, hands on your hips pulling you towards him, but you weren't giving in that easy. You wanted the control tonight. Placing your hands over his to still him, you looked through his eyes and into his soul. He had never been so vulnerable as he was now. Just a boy waiting to become a man, and it was you he had entrusted with the task. "Are you sure?" you check, not really prepared for any answer other than the swallow and nod he gave you.

Sinking down onto Ben's dick was the single most exquisite thing you had ever felt. The way his body rose towards you with magnetic force was delicious. His hips instinctively thrusted up and into you, but you moved with him, desperate to not let him loose his cool yet. He besieged you with a storm of wet, sloppy kisses between little noises of desperation and satisfcation, over you mouth, your neck, your breasts. When he was used to each inch, you would sink down again, just another inch or so and the process would start again. There were several times when you thought you might lose him, thought he may cum right there only part way into you. Each time his resolve and self restraint amazed you. Every time he would manage to slow his breathing and still his body until he had control. Whether it was to save face or for your benefit you didn't really know, but it was a wonder to watch the power your small body could have over him as you kept him there, so dangerously close to the edge.

When he was finally seated all the way into you, you breathed a sigh of relief. In all honesty you were stretched to your limits yourself. The feeling of him within you made you feel full and whole, but you were still in control.

Until he moved that is.

Oh god. He circled his hips and pushed up into you. Fuck. The unbridled pleasure you felt caused your entire pussy to clench. He did it again and you let out a moan. Head rolling back on your neck you placed your hands around his shoulders to steady yourself.

"Fuck... You feel so.... So fucking good. Oh God y/n, tell me is it always like this?" he gasps between thrusts. Each one is getting more smooth, more refined in the movement. He is picking it up like a pro. Who would be suprised? Just one look at his naked body would tell you he was made to fuck.

"I... Oh shit... I can't say it's ever felt quite like this... I sure hope so." you tell him, latching back onto his mouth and biting on his lower lip. He growls and digs his fingers into the meat of you ass, lifting your weight partially and forcing you to move to a slightly faster pace. After a few pumps he releases you and moves in a grinding motion that causes friction on your clit, causing you to cry out his name. He smirks up at you wickedly.

"Oh you like that, do you?" 

You nod, still not trusting your mouth to open in case all manner of embarrassing noises come out. He adjusts his body so that with every thrust he is now grinding into that little nub, causing your heart rate to soar and your skin to prickle with anticipation. Again your mind becomes clouded by the familiar tightness that you feel building in the pit of your stomach. Your cunt, which is making the most vulgar noises from how wet you are for him, is swollen and ready, waiting to be pushed over the edge and into another dimension of sensation. 

You look down at him and notice he is concentrating really hard. He is doing so well for his first time. Hell, he is doing well end of. You are reminded again of the mental resilience that has been quite literally beaten into him over the years. It was ironic really. Jedi and Sith and all the places he had been inbetween, all denying him this kind of passion, and yet giving him the physical and mental tools to excel at it. 

However, even Ben Solo has his limits. 

"Fuck, y/n.. Are you close? I can't do this much longer..." he exclaims. The very sound of the desperation in his voice as he hisses your name leads you up to the very edge. You only need a push now. Ben learns forward and sucks one of your plumpened nipples into his mouth and between his teeth, biting gently. That'll do it.

Head back, hands clasping his head into your chest you cry out for him, letting him hear what he has accomplished within you. The walls of you constrict around him and it only takes a few more thrusts before he is right there over the edge with you, tumbling down into the abyss. Hands grab bodies, mouths open, throats dry you both ride out the waves of pleasure as they raise and then ebb all too soon. You feel him spill himself inside you and are contented by his satisfaction as well as your own. You are left cradling his head against your chest. You can feel his heart beating erratically, his breathing that of a marathon runner against your breast. Your hands, which were in his hair, now rake through it carefully, sorting the tangled mess you created. He nuzzle into you briefly before pulling back to look at you.

"Holy christ that was quite something." he says looking up at you, a weery smile across his lips.

"You could certainly say that again." you return. You wait for the awkward post-coital feelings you always have, but they never come. He is still looking into your eyes, but now where deep, passion filled ones once were is replaced by liquid hazel. He is looking at you like you are the only thing in his world, and you stare back at him wishing there was only this. Only you and Ben and no one else. No base. No rebelion. No war. He made you feel truly alive, made you feel anything at all.

He reaches his hand up to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear and out of your face, fingers lingering to Stoke against your cheek lazily. Leaning in he kisses you one last time.This one is different. This one is gentler. somehow this one means the most. It almost reduces you to tears as you feel him pouring out his feelings for you into this one act. You had never felt so wanted by another person.

"I think it ought to be time for bed, yes?" he asks contently. You nod, and with that he effortlessly lifts you and places you down next to him, shimmying down on the blanket and pulling it around the both of you. The night is warm enough by the fire that the two of you lie there quite happily. He has pulled you into him, spooning you protectively with one arm wound tight around your waist. He kisses the back of your neck, making you shiver pleasantly.

"Good night y/n. Thank you so much for bringing me here tonigt."

'Honestly Ben it was my pleaseure." you say sleepily smiling into the night. And with that you both doze off and into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
